I Was Raped By A Famous Politician

It happened 40 years ago. The dastardly event occurred inside the lingerie department of Bergdorf Goodman in New York City. No wait, that wasn't me, that was an episode I saw of SVU. And it wasn't rape, but what happened was the politician, who I couldn't name before now because I had blocked him from my mind and it's only just beginning to surface because he's running for office, was Ron DeSantis. No wait, he would have been like four years old at the time, so it couldn't have been him. This guy was older. Dammit, who was it?

Okay, just a minute, let me order my thoughts. It was definitely someone famous, I know that much. It might have been Dustin Hoffman, who I met at a the Chock Full O' Nuts on 4th Street and Waverly Place in the Village while I was a student at NYU, but he certainly didn't do it at the counter. Also, it wasn't him anyway. 

Think Andrea, think! Who was it? Oh right, it must have been Donald Trump, didn't he rape lots of women back then? Yeah, and then I never watched The Apprentice after that. Actually, I never watched The Apprentice before that either. And it wasn't at Bergdorf Goodman, it was in the dress department at Saks Fifth Avenue. Or else the shoe department at Lord & Taylor. I know for a fact that it was not at Nordstrom's.

But these details are not important! What matters is that it messed me up for the rest of my life and kept me from ever wearing sexy lingerie to bed -- I can only sleep in sweat pants and a t-shirt. This bugs my husband no end, I'm just guessing, he has never said anything but it must.

So don't vote for Donald Trump. Unless it was Joe Biden at the Statler Hotel during the 1980 Democratic National Convention when I worked for the DNC and where the entire staff was doing cocaine. (And that's the truth.) I might have been hallucinating from all the cocaine but I think not.

Anyway, don't vote for either of those two.