Some Things Never Change

You know the old saying, "They can put a man on the moon but they can't" do whatever crazy thing it is they can't do? Well, here's a good one for you: They can put a man on the moon but they still haven't come up with a colonoscopy prep that doesn't make you want to shoot yourself. (Sorry for the gun reference, I hope I didn't cause any PTSD flashbacks and no, I am not a member of the NRA. I also don't own a gun, am a total pacifist and won't even watch reruns of M*A*S*H on TV.)

Anyway, it's nearing time for me to undergo that nasty rigmarole again and I figured by now they'd surely come up with a modern way to prep for a look-see inside the colon. But no, it's still the same old Draconian formula of laxatives and gallons of putrid-tasting Gatorade they've been using since forever. (Each time I go through it I am reminded of Olympic skater Nancy Kerrigan wailing, "Why me?")

Tired of waiting to hear from the gastroenterology people about an appointment -- my doctor said they'd call -- I finally called them and asked why I hadn't yet been contacted. I was stunned by the response: "We receive 300 requests per day for colonoscopies, and it takes time to wade through all the information for each patient. We'll get back to you in about five or six weeks."

You'd think that with so many aging hippies clamoring for the procedure, some of our best minds would get on it and devise a prep involving Ben & Jerry's Cherry Garcia and a couple of Valium. And here's a tip for all the young doctors out there: If you're looking for a way to pay off your student loans, move to Maine and specialize in colonoscopies. Sure it's a dirty job, but somebody's gotta do it.