Politically Incorrect Cuisine Tips

Chris Farley eating pizza.

When you're looking for a restaurant, steer clear of all the Italians, the most fattening food on the planet! Sure it tastes great, but if you eat it consistently you'll end up looking like Chris Farley the day he died. He even said on a Saturday Night Live opening monologue, "I love Italian food, can you tell?" (It was later declared that he died of an overdose of cocaine and morphine exacerbated by advanced heart disease, no doubt from some dumb Italian dish.)

Nutritionally, nothing White has any value.  Only an idiot eats white bread. Ditto white flour and white rice, which  puff you up with empty calories. Besides, Whites are almost always very boring on the plate.

Anything Black can hurt you when it comes to eating. Black beans will make you gassy and bloated. I wouldn't touch them. And black licorice is bad if you have high blood pressure. In fact, if you're over forty, eating two ounces of it daily for two weeks could land you in the hospital with an irregular heart rhythm. But the real dietary danger will be the blackened, grilled meat, which contains one of the most potent carcinogens known. So think twice when it comes to anything Black.

Anything Indian is downright dangerous. Most curries are very spicy and may upset your stomach, irritate a hernia, or cause heartburn later. And that Indian bread is so delicious you could just keep eating it and eating it until it makes you vomit, so forget Indian.

Their restaurants are everywhere, but you'd be smart to ignore all the Chinese. The food is loaded with salt and can give you a stroke, I am not kidding. And obviously calling it "dim sum" is a coded way of saying that "some people are dim" who eat it. Besides, those fortune cookies are stupid.

Don't bother with any Ethiopian. Their cuisine, if you can call it that, is tasty but their methodology for ingestion is just gross: You wipe it up off your plate with your fingers. No utensils! (Jesus, what century is this?)

When it comes to restaurants, Mexicans are the worst and should be declared illegal. It's usually just a pile of mushy, reheated beans smothered in some gooey mystery sauce and slopped over rice. If you have a death wish, get some Mexican. (Recent problems at Chipotle bear this out.)

Pearl Harbor on a bad day.

Japanese can kill you, and I'm not talking about Pearl Harbor, although that was pretty bad. (See photo at right.) Sushi is very popular and may be the linchpin of Japan's plan for world domination by feeding everyone else parasites, heavy metals and bacteria.