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| The new me. |
I am a white female Jew and I am sick of being discriminated against. Enough! I am taking steps. First of all, I will convert to some Christian religion; Catholicism seems quite popular although there is that baptism thing and I really hate having a stranger touching my hair, let alone wetting it, plus the weekly confession seems so invasive. Maybe Christian Science would be more suitable since I already hate going to doctors.
Next I will start darkening my skin, easy enough since there are plenty of products out there. I might go for some kind of Indian or Eskimo or maybe Hispanic, whatever I can pull off believably. I'd try for African American but I just don't have what it takes. As for the female part, I can lop off my breasts easily enough, it's regularly done for pretty much no reason these days anyway. (That will be a big savings in the long run on bras.) My hair is short already, and just yesterday I took one of those online tests entitled "Is Your Brain More Male or Female?" and mine turned out to be 90% male and 10% female, so I'm good to go.
There are a few sticking points, like I hate football and know nothing about it, but that can be covered over easily enough with comments like, "How about that game yesterday?" and, "Man, I did not see that coming!" A glue-on mustache and a sock in my pants should help shut everyone up. Then I'll be all set to start my new life.
I'll get hired easily, even by L. L Bean, and earn a bigger salary and maybe even get into graduate school on some affirmative action scholarship, except I'm so old. Guess I should add a face lift to all my preparations. But after that, things will be great. I'll enter as middle-management in some big insurance company and go to office birthday and retirement parties and wear sandals on casual Fridays and finally not have to suffer all those PMS and Jew jokes around the office water cooler.
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