The Wizard Oz

Given enough time and enough interest to find it, the truth surfaces. For this reason, I have always doubted that there is a being named God who lives in a place called Heaven; ditto the Devil and Hell. Seems to me if there were, someone would have bumped into both of them by now and, considering how quickly things go viral these days, we'd all know soon enough. There would be no need for hundreds of conflicting religions out there telling you to do this or do that in order to find The Truth. There would be just one path, kind of like going to Mt. Everest. You know, first you go to Nepal and then you head up. You don't start from San Diego or Newark and go south; that will not get you there. And it would certainly be on the news, and Barbara Walters would have both of them on her list of the 10 Most Fascinating People, and TIME would name one or the other Person of the Year, and that sniveling Brit Piers Morgan would desperately try to interview either one. (God, being God, would refuse, and laughingly suggest, "Aren't there some royals you could interview?" The Devil would agree to go on but then not show up, choosing instead to get the afternoon housewife crowd with Dr. Oz.)

Similarly, if any diet really worked and made you lose lots of weight without trying, we'd all know. Everyone would do it--even Jennifer Hudson-- and there would be no more fat people. So it was with the usual skepticism that I read an ad for the lastest incredible product that promises to melt away fat, and all you have to do is swallow it. It's the Green Coffee Bean Diet. Green coffee beans contain some special "thing" that causes your body to do some other special thing and before you can say "Dr. Oz is a sellout," you've lost half your body weight. You can start today! In fact, if you order it before I finish writing this post, you can get two for the price of one, just pay separate shipping and handling. Or else find it in your local health food store, on the shelf with all the other foolproof weight loss products. Or you could just try diet and exercise and lose weight for free! As for finding God: Be nice. Give to charity. Don't hurt anyone.