What to Do With a Newspaper

Oh, how the mighty have fallen. In today's Wall Street Journal there is an illustrated article about "five novel uses" for rubber bands. Not only are all the suggestions inane, but really--are illustrations necessary to explain how to wrap the rubber band around a hard-boiled egg--and thanks for that tip- to make stripes when dying Easter eggs? Once the epitome of intellectual journalism, today's Journal is desperate for readers and thus caters to anyone who will listen. Other articles in the same edition detail how parents can let go emotionally when their kids go off to college--phone calls, emails and texts can help them stay in touch-- and how some people actually have both an iPhone and a BlackBerry. I ask you, are we morons? The answer is no, we are not.

Everyone knows the Internet rules, but newspaper publishers just don't want to admit it. For every dumb article in a newspaper, there are like 200 more online, and a lot of them are way dumber--what's not to love? Yes, we still need newspapers, but not to read-- they might as well just print the masthead and leave all the rest of it blank, except for the advertising which is quite entertaining. Like today, on page A3 there is an ad for a Chanel handbag made of calfskin and tweed for $4,200. See, now that's amusing--just knowing that there's a handbag out there that costs as much as my mortgage, car payment, utilities, phone and enough gas for a month makes me giggle.

Don't get me wrong: The paper itself is great for wrapping dishes and glassware when you're packing to move, invaluable in the pet department what with lining of birdcages and paper-training of puppies, and without peer for stuffing into those charcoal chimneys for a barbecue. It's the news part we no longer need.