Helpless, Helpless, Helpless

The great thing about being alive in the year 2012 is that you don't have to do a thing for yourself, giving you lots of free time to watch movies and play video games and eat pizza, which these days even has cheese inside the crust. If you get too fat from all the pizza, all you have to do is sprinkle some magic flakes on your food and the pounds will melt away. If you want better abs, you can just wrap a belt around your middle and it will squeeze away the excess fat, or else you can just shake some hand weights in time to your favorite music and get toned that way. If you need money, you can go online and open a Kickstarter campaign and people will just mail you money to do whatever it is you have in mind, as long as you call it a Project. Or else just get a webpage and say at the top "Donate to my cause."

If you are lucky enough to live in America, there's unemployment for a year or more if you don't want to work, and you can get food stamps to get free food. If you are sick, just walk into any hospital emergency room and get taken care of, although you will have to wait awhile. If you are too stoned or drunk to go to the trouble of signing up for any of the government handout programs, you can just write a sign on a piece of cardboard that says, "homeless, hungry, please help" or "ran out of luck, need money," and stand at a crowded intersection and the rich people in fancy cars who all have jobs and swimming pools and extra houses and expensive clothes and pedigreed dogs who eat better than you do will feel ashamed and just hand you money when they stop at the red light. If you are unhappy you can just take anti-depressants and if you are anxious you can take anti-anxiety pills, both of which you can get at those free clinics. And if you like soup, there are plenty of soup kitchens in every city where you can get some, with bread too, and at Thanksgiving there are entire turkey dinners with all the trimmings--all for free.

After all, you're entitled.