Survivor: Why Barry Wins

Imagine if a broken-down loser with bad teeth and little income, but still really smart with a lot of good ideas anyway, tried to run for office. Ha! He'd hardly make it past the first debate. We want someone attractive, someone successful, someone we can envy. His wife better be pretty too, and some decent kids wouldn't hurt. After all, "The White House" is the longest running reality show on TV, predating even "Survivor," where the slightest defect gets you kicked off the island.

Right now we've got a decent-looking guy in there, a tad boring but with the added bonus of being black. He's in great shape and his wife is photogenic and never met a camera she didn't like. The private-school daughters, the pedigreed dog--it's all picture-perfect. Plus the fact, he never made a whole lot of money before he became President, so he can be trusted; after all, he's not that much better than us.

Then there's Mitt. He's handsome, but maybe too handsome, in a Brooks Brothers-model, greying-at-the-temples, still looks good in jeans sort of way. His wife is pretty, but maybe a bit too snooty-blonde-country-club looking, although she does have MS so let's give her a few points for that. The five kids are all gorgeous, and what's to like about that? Nothing, that's what. And he has been wildly successful--way too successful--for all his life, making tons of money and doing quite well in many areas, both in politics as a Governor and a CEO in the private sector. Screw him, who does he think he is? He's way better than us.

So Barack wins, and if only he'd call himself Barry and lose that Hussein business, he might even get some Republicans to vote for him.