Everywhere you look someone is trashing our current Commander in Chief. Now Bill Clinton, of all people, is suggesting that the once maligned "Bush-era tax cuts" actually be extended, in direct opposition to Obama's wishes. And just a few days ago, New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd, who usually writes the equivalent of oral sex regarding the President, devoted her Sunday piece to how disliked and ineffectual he is. What this could mean is that it's time to brush up on your Mormon facts so you'll be up to speed when Romney wins and all the late-night comics and bottom-feeders start skewering his religion.
Having lived in Salt Lake City for four years, I know more than a little about the subject, and happily share some need-to-know facts with you right here:
1. Observant Mormons really do wear special underwear, sometimes called "magic" underwear by those who do not fully understand--and thus mock--its true purpose. Made of a thermal material similar to the long underwear used in cold climates, it is worn underneath all clothing to repel the cooties flying around from other religions. Additionally, it acts as a modern-day chastity belt, preventing the wearer from having adulterous sex. My single Mormon friend Patricia wouldn't wear hers in summer because the female version has little cap sleeves, and she wanted to go bare-armed. Sadly, this decision cost her entry into the sacred Mormon Temple, but as she said herself, "it's no biggie." (They are quite adaptable.)
2. Practicing Mormons do not smoke or drink alcohol or drink coffee or any hot beverages or any beverages with caffeine, except Coca-Cola because get serious, who can give up everything. They do this for reasons none of them understand, which I can say with 100% certainty because every time I met one I would ask why and they would always shrug and say they weren't sure.
3. The practice of polygamy is strictly forbidden by the Mormon Church and anyone who does it will be kicked out! They feel quite strongly about this, thank goodness, unlike those Catholics who protect their sexually deviant priests.
4. Most, if not all, Mormons are terrible cooks. (Call me for details.) This is odd, since they keep a year's worth of food in their cellars for the coming Apocalypse and love to share their recipes for things like Apples 'N' Marshmallow Fluff. (Slice apples. Dip in Marshmallow Fluff.)
5. Most Mormon families have many children--like eight or nine. This is because they plan to rule the world. And with all those extras, the loss of a child is well-tolerated--i.e., Marie Osmond, who has lost 40 pounds on Jenny and looks sexier than ever since her 18-year-old OD'd on drugs a few years ago. One friend who lost his son explained it this way: Children do not "belong" to them but are simply souls in Heaven who hitch a ride here through an available uterus.
That's all I got after four years in Utah. For the rest, pick up a copy of "The Book of Mormon" and learn all about the young man named Joseph Smith who was walking through the woods in upstate New York and found some tablets lying on the ground that had been left by the angel Moroni. He then went looking for Brigham Young and they both settled in Utah, shouting "This is the place!" Or something like that. It's quite a good yarn. And for some real info, check out www.feministmormonhousewives.org.
Having lived in Salt Lake City for four years, I know more than a little about the subject, and happily share some need-to-know facts with you right here:
1. Observant Mormons really do wear special underwear, sometimes called "magic" underwear by those who do not fully understand--and thus mock--its true purpose. Made of a thermal material similar to the long underwear used in cold climates, it is worn underneath all clothing to repel the cooties flying around from other religions. Additionally, it acts as a modern-day chastity belt, preventing the wearer from having adulterous sex. My single Mormon friend Patricia wouldn't wear hers in summer because the female version has little cap sleeves, and she wanted to go bare-armed. Sadly, this decision cost her entry into the sacred Mormon Temple, but as she said herself, "it's no biggie." (They are quite adaptable.)
2. Practicing Mormons do not smoke or drink alcohol or drink coffee or any hot beverages or any beverages with caffeine, except Coca-Cola because get serious, who can give up everything. They do this for reasons none of them understand, which I can say with 100% certainty because every time I met one I would ask why and they would always shrug and say they weren't sure.
3. The practice of polygamy is strictly forbidden by the Mormon Church and anyone who does it will be kicked out! They feel quite strongly about this, thank goodness, unlike those Catholics who protect their sexually deviant priests.
4. Most, if not all, Mormons are terrible cooks. (Call me for details.) This is odd, since they keep a year's worth of food in their cellars for the coming Apocalypse and love to share their recipes for things like Apples 'N' Marshmallow Fluff. (Slice apples. Dip in Marshmallow Fluff.)
5. Most Mormon families have many children--like eight or nine. This is because they plan to rule the world. And with all those extras, the loss of a child is well-tolerated--i.e., Marie Osmond, who has lost 40 pounds on Jenny and looks sexier than ever since her 18-year-old OD'd on drugs a few years ago. One friend who lost his son explained it this way: Children do not "belong" to them but are simply souls in Heaven who hitch a ride here through an available uterus.
That's all I got after four years in Utah. For the rest, pick up a copy of "The Book of Mormon" and learn all about the young man named Joseph Smith who was walking through the woods in upstate New York and found some tablets lying on the ground that had been left by the angel Moroni. He then went looking for Brigham Young and they both settled in Utah, shouting "This is the place!" Or something like that. It's quite a good yarn. And for some real info, check out www.feministmormonhousewives.org.
Wow. You know we're real people, right? I love good satire, but "fact" #5 seems a little cruel, don't you think?
ReplyDeleteDear John: Yes, I know you are real people. My very closest friend is a former Mormon who converted to Judaism after growing up in a chaotic family. While we lived in Utah, my husband worked closely with several wonderful Mormons who were leaders in their wards. Nevertheless, I do find some of their beliefs a bit of a stretch, especially the way they regard their children. Each to his own, when it comes to religions....
DeleteWell, Andrea, pretty good-natured fun, though no more accurate than what we're likely to hear from the late-night comics.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Paul, for recognizing that fact! The only people who truly understand what the religion means are the people who embrace it. I will say that in my four years in Utah, I got many different answers to the same questions.
ReplyDeleteI grew up in S. California and knew many many Mexicans. I had lots of Mexican friends. This does not qualify me to tell you what Mexicans think, or how they act, or to pretend to be an expert on their culture. In 20 years of living near lots of Mexicans, being friends with, dating, talking to Mexicans, I did not become an expert on Mexican history or what Mexicans are like, because news flash - they are all different. Just like you are hardly a qualified expert on Mormon theology because you lived in SL for four years and have some Mormon friends. If you learned ANYTHING about Mormons at all, you would know that.
ReplyDeleteI have some gay friends, but because one gay friend has this or that habit, or has told me this or that about his or her history, I don't believe I have my finger on the pulse of what gay people think/feel/or believe because, guess what? They are all individuals and if I lump them all together as being the same because they share some similar attributes, that doesn't make me an expert on gay people, it makes me a bigot (and an idiot) for believing that one shared attribute makes them all the same.
Your comment that Mormons don't care when their kids die is offensive, stupid, disgusting, cruel, and wrong. And I know some deeply bereaved Mormon parents I would LOVE to see you make that comment to in person.
Dear Zaissa:
DeleteYour lecturing tone beating a dead horse aside, I couldn't agree more. This is a humorous blog.
Your last sentence, wherein you say you would LOVE for me to say something cruel and offensive to your grieving friends in person is way stupider than anything I wrote.