315 Things That Make Me Miserable

·      Big trucks on the highway

·      Bugs

·      RV’s ahead of me on the highway

·      Thunderstorms

·      Rape

·      Murder

·      Funnel cakes

·      Boils

·      Cancer

·      Skin rashes

·      Mosquito bites

·      Undertow

·      Bad relatives

·      Snakes

·      Icy roads
    Pain 

·      Surgery

·      People in the audience talking at the movies

·      Cancelled flights

·      Buying food and getting it home and finding out it’s spoiled

·      Rancid milk

·      Running out of cat food in a snowstorm

·      Cat vomit

·      Splinters

·      Hemorrhoids

·      Dining in restaurants with large groups

·      Holidays when the banks are closed

·      The lawn guy coming on a day when I'm trying to write

·      Sharing a lane at a public pool

·      Fat ladies naked in the locker room at the Y

·      Chunk light tuna

·      Crabgrass

·      Jellyfish

·      Sunburned skin

·      Crowds at the beach

·      Starving children in Africa

·      Pictures of starving children in Africa on the front page of the New York Times

·      Smoking

·      Cigarettes being legal

·      Headaches

·      Hiccups

·      A bad acid trip

·      Bees

·      Spider bites

·      Getting stopped by a cop

·      Car trouble

·      The fuel warning light in my car coming on

·      Hard-boiled eggs that won’t peel

·      Not getting my newspaper delivery

·      A too-easy Sunday Times crossword puzzle

·      Worrying I might get Alzheimer’s

·      The prep you drink before a colonoscopy

·      A flat tire

·      Root canals

·      Unexplained pain that goes away

·      Child abduction

·      Brainless bimbos making a lot of money

·      Dictators

·      Breaking a nail and not having an emery board

·      Having to host my husband’s boring business associates

·      Eating bad food to avoid hurting the cook's feelings

·      Playing Scrabble with people who can’t play

·      Playing Bridge

·      Bleeding-heart liberals who hate everyone who isn’t one

·      Bill Maher

·      Rachel Maddow

·      Overcooked hamburgers

·      When the waitress doesn’t see my food sitting under warming lights but I do

·      Bready pizza crust

·      Food poisoning

·      Mildew on locker room floors

·      Over-chlorinated swimming pools

·      Bush-bashing years after he’s been out of office

·      Made up names like La J’twandA or NeKeiSha

·      Women marrying for money

·      Bathing suits with skirts

·      Fat women in bathing suits with skirts

·      Flip-flops

·      Waking up from anesthesia

·      People against the death penalty who favor abortion

·      Instant coffee

·      Bedbugs

·      No air-conditioning in summer

·      Too loud air-conditioning

·      Religious music

·      Priests

·      Nuns

·      Traffic jams that  disperse with no apparent cause

·      Polyester clothing

·      Spray-painted daisies sold in supermarkets

·      Female news commentators with big earrings showing a lot of cleavage

·      Pumping my own gas

·      Bad movies

·      Bad TV

·      Laugh tracks on TV sitcoms

·      Lady Gaga

·      Frizzy hair

·      Wall-to-wall carpeting

·      Stained wall–to-wall carpeting

·      Non-kosher hot dogs

·      Mean cops

·      The flu

·      Stomach problems

·      Being nauseous

·      Bike riding uphill

·      Calling my son and him not answering and not calling me back

·      Having high blood pressure

·      Getting too stoned

·      Getting drunk

·      Bad wine

·      Instant oatmeal

·      Olive Garden restaurants

·      All-you-can-eat restaurants

·      Shirley Temple movies

·      Shirley Temple

·      Sitcoms about dating

·      Dr. Phil

·      TV talk shows

·      TV quiz shows

·      Late night comedy shows

·      Commercials

·      Advertising

·      Dead flowers in a vase

·      Swallowing water in a swimming pool

·      Noisy leaf blowers

·      Cold food that’s supposed to be hot

·      Ice cubes with a taste

·      Stale chocolate

·      Burned coffee

·      Too little sleep

·      Liars

·      Phonies

·      Bad cell phone service

·      Robocalls

·      Foreign call centers when you think you are calling locally

·      Frozen foods

·      Reading about starving children in other countries

·      Pictures of wounded soldiers in the news

·      Junk charity mail with gifts inside as enticement

·      Movie ads that say it’s great when the reviews say it sucks

·      Escaped convicts within 100 miles of where I am

·      Dust bunnies under the furniture

·      German Shepherd dogs

·      Stray dogs in alleys

·      Skunks

·      Dead animals by the side of the road, especially cats and dogs

·      Deformity

·      A long line in the ladies’ room but the handicapped stall is free

·      Non-Hellman’s mayo 

·      Stupid modern art installations

·      Performance art

·      Organized religion

·      Pretending Tater-Tots are food

·      Fat kids raised on Tater-Tots

·      Driving behind a garbage truck

·      10-lane super highways

·      Driving over bridges 

·      Emergency landings

·      Too-soft pillows

·      Bad hotel beds

·      Full litter boxes in other people’s bathrooms right next to the toilet

·      Cleaning ladies who can’t understand your instructions

·      Fortune cookies packaged in cellophane

·      Heat waves

·      Japanese beetles

·      Serial murderers

·      Jersey barriers on highways

·      Wrong numbers who hang up without apologizing

·      Tight shoes

·      Blisters

·      Very hot weather

·      Fake leather

·      Feeling full after a big meal

·      Television on in the background during a phone call

·      Black sitcoms where all the characters are stupid except the mom, who is obese

·      Do-rags on hoodlums

·      Riding the bus

·      Tsunamis that wipe out entire villages

·      Tornadoes that flatten entire towns

·      Hurricanes that destroy homes

·      TV commercials showing starving orphans

·      TV commercials showing tortured dogs and cats

·      Fat women in shorts

·      Above-ground swimming pools

·      Corn dogs

·      Deep-fried Oreo cookies

·      Cold soup that is intended to be eaten hot

·      Thomas Kincaid calling himself the “Painter of Light”

·      Paintings by Thomas Kincaid

·      Kidnap victims who stay with the kidnapper until adulthood

·      TV commercials for other TV shows on after the one I’m watching

·      Whoopie Goldberg thinking she has talent

·      Whoopie Goldberg making money

·      Sun stroke

·      Sun poisoning

·      Late-term abortions

·      Reading subtitles in movies instead of watching the film

·      Natural childbirth

·      Wrong diagnoses

·      Politicians spending millions on advertising themselves

·      Political lawn signs

·      Political bumper stickers

·      Fear of having a stroke

·      Skiing

·      AIDS

·      Gay Pride Day anywhere; what about all the other days?

·      Movies about the Holocaust

·      Bad books becoming best sellers

·      Oprah Winfrey making bad books best sellers by just mentioning them

·      My son’s girlfriends ignoring me

·      Worrying about terrorist attacks

·      Flying in bad weather

·      Turbulence on an airplane

·      Overweight stewardesses

·      Having to keep my seat in an upright position on an airplane

·      Microwaving food and having the food still be cold but the plate be hot

·      Insomnia

·      Throwing up

·      The word “vomit”

·      Marijuana being illegal

·      Guns being legal

·      Remembering my father waking up in the ICU on a respirator

·      Remembering my mother in a nursing home

·      Having a miscarriage

·      My son texting someone else while I'm trying to talk to him

·      The fact that some people are ugly and some are beautiful

·      Babies born blind

·      Children with cancer

·      Breaking a tooth

·      Not winning the lottery

·      My husband not letting me read in bed because he has to get up early

·      Brain injuries

·      Pit bull owners insisting it’s all in how you train them

·      Ghettos

·      Slums just down the road from the White House

·      Slamming doors

·      Unripe fruit

·      Jumping to conclusions

·      Coca-Cola

·      Ice cream that doesn’t melt in the dish when you’re done with it

·      Divorce lawyers who try to get you angrier at your spouse

·      Identical twins who think they’re so special

·      Men who lie about their height

·      Excess food packaging

·      Self-checkout aisles at the supermarket

·      Car alarms that go off if you walk too close

·      Sirens

·      The fact that they still teach Shakespeare in high school

·      Book clubs where nobody reads the book

·      High-pressure salespeople

·      Your husband running out of gas when you’re also in the car

·      Weeds

·      Christmas cactus that blooms at the wrong time of year

·      Everyone all over America eating the same meal at Thanksgiving

·      Sappy greeting cards

·      New Yorker cartoons with those two black dots underneath them

·      Bad art

·      Target shoppers calling it “Tarjay” as if it’s a classy French place

·      Jehovah’s Witnesses telling me about God like I don’t already know

·      Renovators at my house

·      Sand flies

·      Biased news organizations

·      Religious fanatics

·      Spam email

·      Knock-off handbags

·      Calorie-laden Starbucks drinks masquerading as coffee

·      People drinking Starbucks drinks and thinking they’re dieting

·      GAP clothing made in China, Taiwan, Majorca and the Philippines

·      Rich ladies bringing their little dogs into restaurants

·      My only child’s bleak outlook on life and blaming me for it

·      My dysfunctional extended family

·      Answering the phone

·      Getting my hair cut and styled

·      Getting wrinkles

·      Friends who talk behind my back

·      Relatives who always want to borrow money

·      Spilling red wine on a white blouse

·      Motel rooms with bare light bulbs

·      Overpriced candy and nuts in hotel mini-bars

·      Checks that bounce

·      Prowlers

·      Anonymous comments online

·      Bad novels by Nora or Delia Ephron

·      Country music about dogs that died

·      Ending your dog’s life but calling it “putting him down”

·      Too many handicapped parking spaces

·      Elevators

·      Rotten pistachio nuts in with all good ones

·      The circus

·      Zoos

·      Puppies in cages in pet shop windows

·      Commercial applications of famous paintings

·      Beatles songs used in advertising

·      Aging celebrities who get fat

·      Having to use crutches

·      Ice cubes frozen into a lump in the freezer

·      Power outages

·      Movie popcorn

·      Food with too much salt

·      Bad jokes that aren’t funny

·      MOMA in New York City charging $20 to get in

·      Bumper stickers that say “My Child Is an Honor Student”

·      Cars covered with a lot of bumper stickers

·      People who are late for appointments

·      Doctors keeping you waiting

·      Backaches

·      Fender benders

·      Driving in snow

·      Caesar salad made with iceberg lettuce and no anchovies

·      Ham 

·      Speedo bathing suits on men

·      School buses without seat belts

·      Sitting between two fat people on an airplane

·      Sitting behind someone with big hair at the theater

·      People sneezing and coughing in public