The Next First Lady

Much has been made, by the press and by the voters, of the fact that GOP presidential candidates Mitt Romney and Jon Hunstman are followers of the Mormon religion. Many people see it as a "cult," which is somehow deemed less credible than a "religion," although I beg to understand the difference. Having lived in Salt Lake City for four years, I know a Mormon when I see one, and believe you me, they are pretty nutty, what with their long underwear and the no-caffeine rule which right away makes them suspect. But they're certainly not any nuttier than your run-of-the-mill religious fanatic who thinks that a white-bearded dude called God walks around in sandals and a caftan, carrying a clipboard and taking names. Quick---name a religion that is not crazy.

Lately the Catholic church has been running TV commercials to entice people to "come home to the Catholic church." They talk about the importance of family and some other stuff-- I must admit I have missed most of the narrative because of my loud laughter--but I know for sure that they don't mention the priests who molest young boys or that you might get raped during choir practice. There is also no mention of the fact that eating fish on Fridays either is allowed or is not allowed, I forget, or that the whole damn rule started as a way to sell more fish in Italy and had nothing to do with going to heaven. They don't mention birth control, which either is allowed or is not allowed this week. They don't mention all those nuns in their penguin garb who eschew men for life, which may or not be a bad idea depending on when you ask me.

The Jews, of which I am one, also cannot be accused of sanity. Bacon, which is without a doubt the most delicious food on Earth and offers a damn good reason for living, is forbidden. In fact, you can't eat anything unless a rabbi blessed it, and then anything goes--not bacon--just as long as it has a little K in a circle on the label. Dead people have to get in the ground in less than 24 hours before they start to smell. All little boys must be doctors or lawyers when they grow up. All little girls must marry them.

I will not mention the Muslims for fear of having my car explode the next time I get in it, or the Protestants or Episcopalians because they simply don't matter. You get my point: Mormon, shmormon--who cares? What really matters is the wife, and if you ask me, that Callista Gingrich is definitely not First Lady material--have you seen her hair?