Hands Off My Uterus!

Poor Rick Santorum: He wants desperately to be liked, but he's so obviously clueless and out of touch with the people. Take his sweater vests, for example. Do you see a lot of other folks wearing those? Are they flying off the shelves at the mall? Are they evident in the movies or on TV? No, no and no. Yet dweeby, geeky, nerdy Rick keeps wearing them, which, while certainly his right, bespeaks a singularity of mind. This is an excellent quality in an artist or recluse but a dreadful one in a world leader.

Rick's got the same problem concerning no abortions, which he also hopes will catch on; in today's Wall Street Journal he states quite clearly that as president he would do everything in his power to overturn Roe v. Wade, which he mournfully notes enters the fourth decade since passage on this very day. He also mourns the deaths of 40 million would-be babies since the law's inception, oblivious to the fact that the very people he's courting want abortions, have abortions, and certainly won't elect him if he's determined to make them illegal.

All the babbling politicians should focus on fixing our crumbling roads, simplifying our complicated tax laws and defending us from the bad guys, and keep their paws off our private parts. (In the photo above, Santorum wrongly approximates the size of the typical uterus.) If I were running for president and had no hope of getting elected, I would suggest outlawing a few things too: All-you-can-eat salad bars, pit bulls and rottweilers, snowmobiles and jet skis, TV laugh tracks and all advertising that features talking animals, gleeful families stuffing their faces with unhealthy foods as if eating is the key to happiness, and that stupid Progressive insurance girl. Santorum's desire to outlaw abortion makes about as much sense as my list.