The CNN Logo Never Looked Better

For those of you who actually have interesting lives and did not watch the Republican candidates duke it out last night on TV, here's a recap. Amid much fanfare, CNN treated the event with the same sobriety it would afford any other important, world-shaping event like the MTV Awards or the Golden Globes or maybe America's Funniest Home Videos. There were logos! There was music! The lights, the graphics, oy vay it was so exciting! Then, after a word from several sponsors, the candidates were introduced, each one striding across the stage a la Miss America, waving to the wildly cheering crowd which must have been treated to drinks on the house beforehand.

There was Michele Bachmann, who blew a kiss to her fans. Next, Newt walked out and was all business, followed by Rick Perry who chose the oh-so-presidential "thumbs up" sign as his greeting. The rest of them followed suit--and speaking of suits, Ron Paul's was way too big for him and was obviously a rental. Host Anderson Cooper, scowling appropriately yet still tensing his impressive abs underneath his Italian silk suit and merlot-colored tie, gave the debate rules: A long question from him, giving him plenty of screen time, followed by a teeny tiny answer period for the candidates. And so it began:

1. Herman Cain is so over. Having soared to the top of the polls in recent days, the others all attacked him and his 9-9-9 tax plan. He tried to defend himself by talking about apples and oranges, hoping to get them off track and onto fruit salad, but to no avail. Goodbye Herman, we hardly knew ye.

2. Mitt Romney's chin looked bigger than ever, and it's a good thing since he had to take so much on it last night. At one point he looked like he might cry, but he pulled it together and maintained his dignity.

3. Villainous Rick Perry was the bully on the playground, pointing fingers at everyone. Looking even more pompous and puffed up, and never more like Sheriff Woody in "A Toy Story," he tried to score big by talking over Romney at every opportunity, and by leaking his own news that he has a "plan" that will fix everything, which he promised to unveil next week, if anyone still wants to hear it by then.

4. Michele Bachmann finally got the memo about her glossy, straightened, fancy hair being too distracting and so she wore it pulled tautly back in a bun so that we could see her ears, finally...I always wondered if she had any. Well, she does and they are considerable! She tried and failed to get equal camera time, desperately shrieking "Anderson, Anderson," several times. She did manage to shout out "Michele Bachmann dot com" once or twice. She wore white and looked quite virginal. Still with the long fingernails, however.

5. Ron Paul was smart and still too old, Newt Gingrich was even smarter and still too fat, and Rick Santorum was the bratty little know-it-all intent on shaming the grown-ups into being honest. He will make a great VP for someone.

I'm pretty sure any one of them would be better than Obama, including Anderson Coooper.