One Man's Heaven

STEPHEN Hawking has just declared there is no Heaven. We are supposed to believe he is right since he is freakishly smart and holds the key to the universe in his enormous brain, or something like that. To be honest, I know nothing of his work and care not a whit what he thinks about the alleged afterlife. In fact, I can safely say the same thing about the Pope. Who knows what happens after death? N-O-B-O-D-Y, that's who.

I don't care if Hawking talks through a box in his throat or whatever, he is not channeling messages from God, who by the way he denies exists. His version of things has no more credence than yours or mine, and in case you wondered, here's mine:

Heaven certainly does exist. John Lennon and George Harrison are there and have patched up all their differences, reunited and play for free 24/7, stopping only to sign autographs, pose for pictures with fans and of course eat and sleep. Yup, there is eating and sleeping in Heaven, since those are both great activities that are available eternally to good people. In addition to the ongoing concerts by the Half Beatles, Heaven is blissfully free of trucks, insects, cell phones and money. To get in, you have to be good all during this lifetime and make sure you give to charity, call your mother frequently and never talk in the movies once the feature starts, and that includes opening titles.

Take that, Hawking. Go ahead, prove I'm wrong.