Tuesday, January 15, 2013

The Longest War

In case you thought things were better between men and women these days, following is an email I received today from a dear friend in his eighth decade. The subject line said "WOMEN."

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry it!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make five pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women fake orgasms?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
Made her chain too long.

Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those evolutionary things that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%...
It's called Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
Because they want to.

Now I enjoy a good laugh as much as the next person, but I honestly never laughed at any of these. The one about the wedding cake made me smile, though. Anyway, my friend Bernie is a sweet person, and knowing his wife and seeing the two of them in action, it all makes sense. Still, he didn't write them, but was merely passing them along.


  1. very offensive. how did you get to be friends with a man like that???

    1. He is a sweet man we have known for 30 years. It's a generational thing, Bernie is 85!