Easter Eggs

Today is Easter, a holiday celebrated by people who believe that Christ died on the cross thousands of years ago and then came back to life three days later, leading them to say, "He is risen!"

I am not one of those people. But since my son was about three or four years old, our family has dyed eggs on this day to partake in what little can be festive relating to such a dire occurrence. 

I have never known what eggs have to do with the whole story, and colored ones at that, but we still dye them every Easter, even though our son is now 36. It's fun, and so little fun is available these days, what with the impending death of democracy threatening everyone.

The accompanying photos show the results of our efforts.

Viva La Difference!

Lia Thomas, the infamous swimmer who "changed" into a woman and then entered, and naturally won, many national swimming competitions for women has finally been told the awful truth: 

She's still a man! 

Now she/he is pissed and is mounting a legal case, "asking the Court of Arbitration of Sport in Switzerland to overturn the rules of World Aquatics that prevent transgender women from competing in women’s divisions."

Thank goodness the planners for the Paris Olympics decided that Thomas could not compete on the women's swim team.  Naturally in France, they can tell the difference.

Who Cares About Tom Brady's Ex-wife's New Boyfriend?

I have an AOL email account. I got it many years ago when email first was available and I was a freelance writer in Washington, DC.  It now contains hundreds, if not thousands, of email addresses for friends and former colleagues, publishers, editors and other contacts I may need. So I have kept the account.

Over the years AOL has been bought and sold repeatedly, by people I don't know and never will, and who cares. But the last owner turned it into a gossip engine for meaningless bullshit, and when I open my account to see my email, the vapid words jump off the page at me. I hate this.

Usually I ignore them and get my mail, but sometimes I am so appalled, amazed, abashed and ashamed at the level of "news" the owners of AOL are pushing and thus have to take a peek. Today was one of those days, when I clicked on a story entitled, "All You Need to Know About Gisele Bundchen's New Boyfriend." I wondered, do I need to know anything about him when I don't know anything about her? Okay so she was Tom Brady's wife, but then I don't know anything about Tom Brady except he plays football, or did. And so what? What could anyone need to know about strangers they will never meet and who have absolutely no control over or impact on their lives? Is everyone just getting dumber?

What I want to know is who are the people who work at AOL and how much could they possibly earn that would compel them to devote themselves to writing these stories when things in the world are as dire as they are now?  Also, who decided that illegal immigrants coming into this country with no skills and possibly with nefarious plans should get free debit cards worth $18,000 a year in New York City, a so-called "sanctuary city"? And how long will it take for the USA to completely fall/fail? Will it be in my lifetime? And can that Gisele lady, or her new boyfriend, or Tom Brady do anything to stop it?

A Bridge Too Far

Many people flipped out when, a few years back, President Trump called the media "the enemy of the people." Of course, most of the people doing the flipping were members of the press. Fast-forward to today, and everyone with their eyes open would have to agree with him.

The most obvious, almost embarrassingly so, proof is the recent hiring and immediate firing of Ronna McDaniel, former Chair of the Republican National Committee, by the NBC News corporation. The talking heads on MSNBC and NBC went nuts, publicly decrying such an outrage. How dare they have an "anti-democracy election denier" on their network?

Clearly, our Democrat-controlled government owns these networks and speaks through them, sort of like George Orwell's "Big Brother" in his prophetic novel, 1984. One of the loudest things they say, pretty much constantly, is that anyone who watches FOX News is a brainwashed, idiotic, worthless moron. That's so you won't go there and learn about some of the most nefarious things they are doing, since nothing negative is ever reported by the state-run media.

America is over. In November, a total imbecile and a demented old man will once again be re-elected. Anyway, it's a shame about that bridge in Baltimore, isn't it? But it sure takes your mind off of the election.

RFK Jr: Another Crazy Candidate

It wasn't long ago that I considered voting for Robert F. Kennedy Jr. for president. He seemed sane, something we can't say about either the Democratic or Republican candidate. Then yesterday he named his running mate and I realized that, sadly, he too is nuts.

Imagine if Mr. Kennedy won and became president. Not long after, a lunatic with dreams of becoming world-famous assassinates him; after all, his uncle and his dad were both killed -- who could resist? Then suddenly we have President Nicole Shanahan, a 38-year old female, very rich lawyer on her second marriage -- her first was to the co-founder of  Google, hence all her money -- in charge of everything our country does. What a nightmare.

Mr. Kennedy said he chose her for three reasons: She believes people should have access to pesticide-free food, she understands tech and AI, and she is athletic. His fourth reason was unstated: He really doesn't want to win.

It's Challerhocker, Not Vonderdunk

In the latest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, which aired Sunday night at 10 pm eastern time on MAX and which I watched last night, Larry drives to a fancy cheese shop in Beverly Hills and buys a wedge of Vonderdunk cheese. Apparently it is quite good and very pricey, and fit for a millionaire. Naturally I, and probably everyone else watching the show, wanted some immediately. 

So I Googled it and learned that there is no such cheese. It's a fictional name, who knows why. What Larry bought, and is seen in close-up, is actually called Challerhocker, at least according to some self-proclaimed cheese expert who seems quite credible. 

Challerhocker is available at several food purveyor sites online. I can't explain it but I want some. After all, I love cheese and I love Curb Your Enthusiasm. How could it not be great? I'd bet I'm not the only one ordering this cheese today, which I admit is sort of pathetic. But really, why not at least eat like a millionaire once in awhile?

What Was I Saying?

Most of what the general public believes about being old is a pack of lies, spread by the young who know nothing about it. Just because we don't give a rat's ass about Taylor Swift doesn't mean we've got one foot in the grave. It just means that, nearing the end, we've got better things to do than worship a stranger from afar. And no, we are not all deaf -- we can hear you mocking us. 

One annoyance happens at the grocery when the teenaged clerk who holds up an item and asks, "What is this?" when it's a peach or an artichoke, assumes that all older people are weak and frail. Then the doofus asks if I can carry a bag "this heavy" and do I need someone to help me to my car. I always say the same thing: "No thanks, I go to CrossFit." That shuts them up fast.

Just like young people are all different, so are we. We're not all crabby with dentures and hearing aids. And we don't all wear diapers. But sadly, some common beliefs about the elderly are true. For example, I can remember word for word my son's first sentence uttered when he was two, which makes it 34 years ago, but I cannot remember what I had for dinner last night. This is a common occurrence for people my age, meaning everyone else who attended Woodstock has the same affliction.

Funny thing, I can remember Woodstock like it was yesterday. And as for that first sentence, it was a doozy: "I was downstairs eating an ice cream cone and Mommy was upstairs talking on the phone with Aunt Irene when all of a sudden the wind blew the door shut." 

God Needs A Vacation

The fact that Kate Middleton has cancer is bumming me out big time. She's a Princess, after all, just like the ones in all those Disney movies! Besides being beautiful, gracious, kind, generous and just plain lovable, she's the mother of three small children who need her and the wife of the future King of England. 

It's outrageous that God gave her cancer when so many despicable, horrid people who nobody gives a damn about because they are mean, ugly and selfish get to live a long life with nary a thing wrong with them. (I won't name names but the ladies on The View come to mind.) 

If a Princess can get cancer, clearly nobody is safe. The fact that this wretched disease struck one of His own angels on Earth is ample proof that even God makes mistakes. We should all stop praying for a few weeks and give Him a much needed break.

Comedy Review: ANTHONY JESELNIK

The funniest joke told by comic Anthony Jeselnik in his 50-minute standup routine last night at Portland's Merrill Auditorium was one of Norm Macdonald's, the hilarious SNL alum who died in 2021. That tells you all you need to know about the evening's entertainment.

Until last night I was one of Jeselnik's biggest fans. But no more. It was hard to forgive his chosen opening act, a chubby little woman named Kelly Ryan whose humor relied heavily on sophisticated concepts like "dick," "suck," "suck my dick," "I'll suck your dick,"  and "I was a whore." She dragged the audience through 30 minutes of warm-up with the very same material, word for word, that she was using in 2021! (Google her name and you can catch her whole act.) Finally she was gone, having made me laugh never.

Enter Anthony, looking older, thinner, more haggard and with a bright red nose. Either he had a bad cold or he was doing his W.C. Fields impression -- it was hard to tell which. He strode across the stage in his usual cocky manner, something I had always found endearing in the past. But not so last night, when many of his blatantly ironic and shocking punchlines seemed more mean-spirited than funny. Nevertheless, a joke about how he poisoned his little brother got a big laugh.

The raucous crowd seemed to love him, in part due to the venue's cash bar. The beer line was so long I never got near the front, so I didn't have a very good time. However my husband, stoned sober, did laugh four or five times, so it wasn't a total loss. Also, we had really good seats, so at least that.

Look for a polished version of the show, called Bones and All, sometime later this year streaming on Netflix. Hopefully by then the worst clunkers will have been edited out.

The Horror

News Flash: The United States has fallen off the list of the Top 20 Happiest Countries. That's no surprise, with 1 in 5 Americans suffering from a mental illness, according to statistics gathered by the NIMH. Forty million Americans suffer from anxiety, and who could blame them? Just the simple act of making a phone call to any business establishment or doctor's office these days is enough to make a grown man cry. And don't try the Suicide Hotline, I'm guessing it's just as bad. (Press 1 if you have cut your wrists; Press 2 if you swallowed a lot of pills; Press 3 if you tried that belt tied to a doorknob thing and it didn't work...)

I'm old enough to remember the good old days, and they really were better, despite the fact that anyone can now know the answer to anything in about a minute if they have access to the Internet. But I would trade my ability to win any argument, even with my husband, for a human being saying, "Hello, Dr. Rothstein's office, how can I help?"

Of course, happiness isn't everything. Like my mother always said, "As long as you've got your health," something that has eluded me since exactly one week ago today when I developed the "super-cold" currently gripping the greater Portland, Maine area. My visit to an urgent care facility offered little respite, instead advising me to "take aspirin and drink tea with honey." (Grandma, is that you?) In fact, the doctor, a pleasant young woman who looked about 22 but was probably older -- it was hard to tell since she wore a face mask -- told me that drinking tea with honey is more effective than taking cough medicines like Robitussin.

But here's The Horror: I have exactly ten and a half hours until I see one of today's funniest comics, Anthony Jeselnik, perform live at the Merrill Auditorium this evening, and I better stop coughing by then. It's scary because he is hysterical and laughing makes me cough. I better bring a big sock. And some duct tape.

Be Careful Where You Scratch

My post in this space yesterday originally was titled, "Vaginas Have Tongues Wagging." Within minutes it  was censored by Facebook as being "sensitive, offensive content," and blocked from the site. So I changed the title to "Tongues Wagging," used the same image of the iconic Rolling Stones wagging tongue and re-posted it with no other changes. 

It sailed on through, and was later actually "indexed" by the host platform, Blogger, which means it was provided to a greater audience. So what can we conclude? Obviously, "vagina" is a dirty word. Funny, I've always thought it was a body part, sort of like elbow, foot, knee, stomach, neck and shoulder.

Apparently not.

Tongues Wagging

Fresh on the heels of Emma Stone winning an Oscar for inserting all sorts of things into her vagina on-screen in her latest film comes the latest episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm, wherein Larry David is seen performing cunnilingus on a woman he has just met, following their very first date. Apparently our standards for viewing bad behavior have sunk even lower than the usual swamp-like habitats we have all become used to.

Personally I am not against vaginas or even cunnilingus, although I do find it somewhat icky-yucky to reflect on what the cunnilinguist may have eaten recently and what sort of germs are being transferred into my body, resulting in any of a number of unpleasant infections, but hey -- that's just me. What I do object to is the loss of personal pride, dignity and self-respect that is being telegraphed to young girls who watch these forms of entertainment and consequently believe their bodies are public playgrounds. 

There's even a book about it: "The Cunnilinguist is a refreshingly modern guide to oral sex with a sense of humor. Written by a woman with experience at both ends of the tongue, this guide will build your confidence in giving—or receiving—oral sex."

Mixed Reviews: Poor Things

Last week the televised Academy Awards came and went and I never noticed. But I did hear about the winners the next day, and once again I shook my head in disbelief  about who was passed by and who was lauded. Now I like the actress Emma Stone as much as anyone else I've never met, but it seems clear that she won the Best Actress award for her boldness in showing her vagina to the world.

I haven't seen the movie, scared off by the reviews. They all mention that Stone, playing a demented child-woman, sticks all sorts of things into her vagina in her quest for and love of orgasms. Call me old-school, but watching people have orgasms (or sticking stuff into their vagina, for that matter) is not what I look for in a film. Still, hating to rush to judgment and miss out on a cinematic milestone, I read a few reviews. Some excerpts follow:

Rex Reed: "Poor Things, a surreal mix of science-fiction and pornographic fairy tale, may not be the worst commercially intended movie ever made. But it is unquestionably the filthiest. In a chaotic cacophony of mixed reviews, it has been described as weird, exhausting, repugnant, raunchy, garish, demented, twisted and bonkers."

The Guardian: "That cooing note of kindness in the title is misleading- in fact, there is pure vivisectional ruthlessness in this toweringly bizarre epic. Poor Things is a steampunk-retrofuturist Victorian freakout and macro black-comic horror."

The New York Times: "As the story stalls out and all the showy minutiae, the viscera and icky yuks just keep on coming, the cumulative effect becomes bludgeoning. It isn't long into Poor Things that you start to feel as if you were being bullied into admiring a movie that's so deeply self-satisfied there really isn't room for the two of you."

RogerEbert.com: "It's the best movie of the year."

The End of Evolution: Sheeple

Honestly, I can't believe how many people no longer have individual likes, original thoughts and personal opinions about anything and everything. It's frightening, bringing to mind the classic sci-fi movie, Invasion of the Body Snatchers. These days I go around checking the back of people's necks to see if they have a telltale red mark indicating they are not a person but a pod.

How else is it possible that everyone listens to, wonders about and follows the comings and goings of Taylor Swift and her football-playing boyfriend, as if they matter? 

How can fashion trends in clothing and hairstyles come along and appeal to  everyone, regardless of how appropriate they are to their particular body shape and facial structure?

Why do most men have beard these days, when they used to only have mustaches or be clean-shaven? 

What can explain the need, desire or compulsion to watch the latest movie or TV show deemed a "must-see" by the makers of such films?

What inspires so many people to spend so much of their relatively paltry incomes on tattoos, especially those full sleeves on arms and legs that cost from the high hundreds to thousands and serve no purpose whatsoever?

Why is the need to be indistinguishable from everyone else the number one need among our younger generations?

What makes people watch award shows like The Academy Awards, the Grammys, and all the rest, then rush out to see those movies and hear that music in order to feel "with it?" With what?

DO YOU EVER WONDER: WHO IS IN CHARGE?

Pick A Side!

I am so sick of transgenders! Get over it, be a boy or be a girl, be whatever the heck you ARE. Actually, I am sick of being a human, I'd much rather be any other species, humans are so embarrassing. 

Boo hoo, poor me. 

The Ringling Brothers In the White House

Barnum, at left, and Bailey, yukking it up.

Kamala Harris, our Vice President and appointed Border Czar, has never made it to our southern border overrun by thousands of illegals swarming into our country, but did find the time to visit a Minnesota abortion clinic  yesterday because, as she put it, "We are facing a very serious health issue in the U.S." 

Joe Biden, our President, never said one word about Laken Riley, the 22-year-old nursing student who was murdered by an illegal immigrant on the University of Georgia campus, but today released a statement saying that "he and his wife are heartbroken" about a non-binary teenager who committed suicide in her high-school bathroom because of being bullied. "Every young person deserves to have the fundamental right and freedom to be who they are and feel safe and supported at school and in their communities,” Biden said. “Nex Benedict, a kid who just wanted to be accepted, should still be here with us today.” 

Personally, I think the flood of  incoming immigrants, one of whom killed Laken Riley (who should still be with us here today), poses a greater threat to each and every American than the need for people to change gender.

Remind me: How is it that these two clowns are running our country?

What Are Gay People So Proud About?

It takes one male and  one female to make a baby. Can we all agree to that? It's not my opinion, it's a fact and has been a fact since the beginning of time. You know, Adam and Eve and all that.

Yet some people -- a recent Gallup poll concluded that 7.1% of adult Americans identify as LGBT -- feel differently about this. Fine, that's their business. So why does it have to be my business? Or yours, or everyone's? Go ahead and be gay, or bisexual, or abstain from sex altogether-- do whatever you want. But please, just shut up about it. 

Why be so proud about being "different"? Do we really need to celebrate the fact that some men like having sex with other men and some women like having sex with other women and some people hate sex altogether with parades across the country? Why is that a good thing? And who the hell cares?

What I care about is puppy mills and starving children and cancer and war and poverty, not who puts their penis into what receptacle. Come on world, grow up.

Democrats Are High On Something

Typical Democrat voter

Come on, admit it: Biden's State of the Union speech was a freak show. An angry old man high on a speed cocktail that had him yelling insanely from start to finish, he touted his alleged "accomplishments" without actually naming any. Referring to the recent murder of a young woman as an illegal citizen, he added, "But how many have been killed by legal citizens?" Oh well, then never mind. 

Yet somehow his loyal subjects stood and clapped after just about every hollow word, while Republican Speaker of the House Mike Johnson, seated behind Biden, telegraphed his shock and disbelief to the world with subtle facial expressions that bordered on hilarious. 

As odd as that display was, I am most confused by the fact that the Democrats actually believe their lives are better under Biden than they were under Trump! How could they, when the following things were true during Trump's administration: 

Gas was cheap and plentiful. Inflation was low. There were no wars; Putin waited until Trump was out of office to invade Ukraine. Nobody crossed our borders without having been fully vetted. A roaring economy was obvious to the average person buying food and other goods. Our allies worked with us, paying their fair share of joint ventures instead of America footing most of the bill.  

Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper and Rachel Maddow may hate him, but Trump enjoyed friendly relationships with many world leaders, including those of China, Russia and North Korea. Somehow the left-leaning media painted this as a problem, but I felt a lot safer when Putin was chummy with our president. (I've said it before but it bears repeating: I'd rather we be in Putin's pocket than in his sights.)

So exactly what drugs are the Democrats on? I might need to get some of those to survive these trying times.

Frontier Airlines: Non-stop to Hell

We asked for his name, but he refused.

Yesterday my husband and I embarked on a trip to the Twilight Zone. It was not fun. 

After getting up at four in the morning for a 9:30AM flight a two-hour drive from our hotel, we skipped breakfast, assuming we'd have plenty of time for that at the airport. Wrong. Though we arrived two hours pre-flight, when we went to check in we found a scene reminiscent of the Woodstock music festival, but without the benefit of being high. 

A crowd of about 200 people filled the ticketing area, where all the computers were down and all the agents were standing around doing absolutely nothing. The free-standing kiosks allowing for self-check-in were also not working.

After an hour we reached a ticket agent in order to check our luggage, a service for which we had already paid when booking the flight. The agent was a surly, disrespectful young man whose other job must be an MS-13 gang member. (See photo.) He yelled, "Go away! You're too late! Your flight is already gone. The doors are shut, you missed it." Pointing somewhere off in the distance, he said, "Go re-book another flight."

But how could that be, since it was another 50 minutes until flight time? Being intelligent and of sound mind, unlike that clearly idiotic ticket agent, my husband suggested we run to our flight gate, bags and all, some distance away. We did so and found that boarding had not yet begun! We got on, unaware that our nightmare had.

"WHATEVER ELSE YOU DO IN LIFE, DO NOT FLY FRONTIER AIRLINES."-- Everyone who ever flew on Frontier Airlines

Once on the plane, in our tiny seats barely big enough for a Munchkin (which for extra fun did not recline), we sat there, on the ground, for the next two-and-a-half hours. For the first hour there was dead silence from the cockpit, with no explanation as to what was happening. Finally a voice on the loudspeaker announced that because of a last-minute crew change we were "waiting for a Captain to fly the plane." Oh, good, there was going to be someone flying the plane. At least that.

After another half-hour the Captain finally arrived, but then we were told that one of the two runways was closed so it would take about 20 more minutes before we could be cleared for take-off. Next we learned that we were cleared for take-off but behind many other planes, so it would be awhile. At no time did any flight attendant of any gender offer us water, coffee, tea or anything at all. They remained out of sight, I guess for fear of their lives, what with unruly passengers the norm these days.

Once airborne we were permitted to buy a bottle of water for $4.49, and some other things like cheese and crackers and almonds for an arm and a leg. Not having eaten since dinner the night before, and it was almost noon, we indulged. (The $12 Bloody Mary helped.)

Early this morning my husband received an emailed survey from Frontier asking him to rate his experience. He's still writing.

Biden's World

Last night in his State of the Union speech Joe Biden painted a picture of an imaginary America where everything is fabulous! I wish I lived there. In Joe's world, all the people are happy and hard-working, there are millions of jobs, prices are low, there's no crime and the border is secure. As an added bonus, the Vice President is a great leader! 

I guess it's all those new Alzheimer's drugs. A side benefit is they make your skin as smooth as a baby's bottom, even when you are an old coot. Suddenly I'm looking forward to senility.

Palace Intrigue

Let me say at the outset that I watched The Crown, twice in fact, and loved every minute of it --okay, not the episodes about Diana, but all the rest. Still, even though Princess Kate has been AWOL since Christmas, giving rise to many speculative stories and conspiracy theories about her alleged "abdominal surgery," I can go on with my life. That does not seem to be true for the entire British citizenry, who are obsessed with Kate's insides and demand to know where the heck she is.

Botox? Nose job? Cheek implants?

Don't get me wrong -- I like Kate Middleton. She's very pretty, seems sweet and most of all has incredible posture, something I envy since I have been slumped over since 4th grade when my breasts showed up and had me in a D cup by the age of 12. Anyway, Kate is great in my book, and while I certainly don't want her to die prematurely, I can survive without knowing what's up with her.

The British people, however, are sick in the head when it comes to the Royal Family. My husband's explanation is that they are like "pets" to the British people, which makes the most sense of anything I've heard. 

They want to know what kind of surgery (a hysterectomy does not require four months of recuperation), where is she now, where has she been, who's taking care of her kids, has she been in a coma, is she still in a coma, did she suffer complications, did she have plastic surgery -- maybe a tummy tuck -- is she already dead and was that lady recently seen driving in a car with Kate's mother really her.

Enough already with Kate! What I want to know is how anyone in their right mind can vote for Joe Biden and Kamala Harris.

Keep Obama In President

Months ago my husband contacted a high-school girlfriend he saw on Facebook. Recalling their sweet childhood friendship, he inquired how she was doing. Her response soon after was, "Are you still a right-wing MAGA nut?" She then called out Trump as an antisemitic neo-Nazi. 

I won't dignify the woman by repeating anymore of her ramblings. Instead I direct you to the fact that MAGA has become a slur to the lunatic lefties, even though the acronym stands for "Make America Great Again." Hey, sounds good to me!

Clearly the Democrats don't share that desire since their candidates strive to do the opposite, welcoming swarms of un-vetted, ill-prepared, penniless aliens, mostly young, single men, many who are drug dealers and gang members, who seem not to care a whit about America being great but will surely vote Democratic thanks to all the free stuff they get from them. 

How else to explain the current abysmal state of the country, with violent crime ramping up daily along with all the other ills of a third-world country? That famous lady said it best years ago: "Keep Obama in President!" And surely he is.

Kicking the Bucket

Richard Lewis, truly one of a kind.

Sadly, the comic genius and resulting hilarity of Richard Lewis will no longer be available to lift our spirits, except in reruns of course. Lewis died of a heart attack just days ago at the age of 76, after years of suffering from various health issues. Still he remained active, making us laugh on TV's Curb Your Enthusiasm. Despite his ongoing challenges, a mutual friend who knew him well reported that Lewis was optimistic about life until the end.

It's ironic that Lewis is gone while many infirm and depressing people hang around, doing nothing to lift our spirits at all. For example Joe Biden, 81, who went to the wrong Texas town yesterday and shuffled around with a few border agents for a photo op, mumbling that it was all Trump's fault, still lives and breathes and bums everyone out. He does follow orders, however. Perhaps Obama could put a bucket in front of him and tell him to kick it.