A Two-Party Thanksgiving Story

Woke (Democrats): "A celebration of racist genocide," the Pilgrims were the original white supremacists who eventually turned into Republicans. They stole the land from the peace-loving Native Americans. They also slaughtered hundreds of innocent turkeys and ate them. On the plus side, they didn't slaughter the Native Americans until much later. (See Dances With Wolves.)

Unwoke (Normal People): The Pilgrims were pioneers joyously settling a new land. To celebrate the first harvest they had a huge feast. The Native Americans joined with them in the celebration and they all ate deer, not turkey.