America's New Normal

Happily the following instructions do not apply to people in Maine, our state motto being "The Way Life Should Be." Since it's October, all you Mainers should get outside and enjoy this most glorious month of the year. Rake leaves, clean up your gardens, place your pumpkins and mums artfully about your property. But for all of you in the lower 47, unless you absolutely have to go out, stay in your homes.

Besides it being hurricane season, young children are getting transgender surgery at an ever-increasing rate, Iran and Russia are plotting against us, flooding and forest fires are commonplace, mass murders are rampant, Donald Trump is running for president and Hillary Clinton lies like a rug. All the newscasters telling us about everything look exactly alike, the women with long blonde hair parted on the side, sporting large dangling earrings and low-cut, brightly colored polyester dresses showing a lot of leg, the men in suits, ties and hairpieces when necessary.

While you're at home, stay away from the windows. Keep the shades drawn. Turn off the news, bake a pie, make some popcorn. Do exercises, read, clean the fridge. Wash the floors and windows. Watch DVDs of old comedies. Listen to doo-wop. Wait for the all-clear from your local authorities.