Don't Bring Me Down

What are friends for? I ask the question because I recently initiated the end of a friendship that was just no fun at all and I wonder if I were being too demanding. Maybe friends aren't supposed to be "fun." I'm confused. I felt the same way many years ago when I opted to divorce my first husband. I did so, with no regrets, but then I look around and see so many couples who don't like one another even a little who stayed together anyway, who are congratulated for celebrating their 40th anniversary, and shake my head.

Little kids on the playground call just about anyone of similar size and shape a friend. This goes on until junior high, when friends are people who laugh at your jokes and like the same movie stars. Friendships in high school are deeper, with bonds forged between people who are unhappy for the same reasons, dress alike, use the same drugs and perhaps belong to the same clubs. In college we choose our friends based on how much they mirror our behavior and how good we feel around them. This all makes perfect sense at the time.

Then comes adulthood and all bets are off. Everyone goes their own way. I have always been drawn to people who are funny. If someone makes me laugh, they are highly prized; almost all of my good friends could do stand-up comedy. This watermark served me well until I moved to Maine six years ago and found that nobody is funny here. And while my distant friends remain nurturing and wonderful, with occasional visits keeping the flame burning, still they are distant. So, wanting some friends in the flesh, I opted for "smart."

Smart people are great for conversation and alleviating loneliness. Also, if you don't want to go to the movies or dine out alone, they come in handy. But if they are too talkative -- about their own problems for example, going on and on and on about how much their life sucks -- and not at all funny about it, the relationship can slowly become a drag and eventually slide into being a downright bummer. Your friend brings you down instead of up. That can't be right. After all, I can bum myself out.