It has recently come to my attention, not least of all via the hullabaloo over the sexually explicit performance by Miley Cyrus still causing ripples, that most people, usually men but also some rural and backwoods-raised women, are embarrassed by the whole subject of sexuality. They look away, hide their heads, avert their eyes, whatever, but cannot simply tackle the subject head on. In my mind this makes them no better than children, who titter and blush at the "dirty" words related to the subject. With the three-day Labor Day holiday upon us, take an opportunity to tailor your weekend activities to your personal level of maturity with this simple test: Look into a mirror and say each of the following words aloud. Score 0 if you do nothing in reaction, 1 point if you feel like giggling or actually do giggle, 2 if you can't say it at all, 3 if you blush and 4 if you feel aroused. Scores will be explained following the test.
Masturbation
Blue Balls
Vagina
Menstruation
Fertile
Breasts
69
Testicals
Nuts
Genitals
Sex
Cunnilingus
Penis
Intercourse
Anus
Fellatio
A score of 45-60 means you have serious problems regarding sexuality, and with adulthood, and may have gender issues; read
Portnoy's Complaint and
Tropic of Cancer, and then get some therapy.
A score of 30-45 indicates you are seriously pre-pubescent; pick up some vintage copies of
Mad Magazine and subscribe to
The Onion.
Under 15 means you're okay, just immature, so rent
Dumb and Dumber. any of the Three Stooges or Marx Brothers movies, or possibly some Tom & Jerry cartoons. Or you could just watch regular TV.
And remember, if you experience an erection lasting longer than four hours, you know what to do.
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