With 2016 just around the corner two towns over, then turn right, go two blocks, bear left, cross two bridges and make a hard left, today's paper brings the silly news that Joe Biden is planning to run. (You remember Joe, our current vice-president?) Apparently he thinks he can beat Hillary Clinton and get the Democratic nomination, in part because everyone else in his party will defer to her. After all, Hillary is magic--she has those great bags under her eyes and those huge ankles, not mention an unending supply of mannish pantsuits; how Joe thinks he can beat her is a mystery. Anyway, my husband thinks I would make a great president, so even though I'm not really "the type," being as I am against graft, corruption, kickbacks and of course pork, I might just go for it. Thus, I am laying out my platform early, starting with a few basics here:
1. Under my administration, everyone will be healthy. All fast-food restaurants and drinking establishments will be converted to health food restaurants, chicken noodle soup shops, medical marijuana dispensaries and CrossFit gyms. Sweets and cigarettes will be outlawed. Diabetes, heart disease, obesity and cancer will all but disappear since everyone will simply take care of themselves, thus saving billions of dollars and allowing us to pay off our national debt.
2. After I am elected, nobody will want to come to America and all the illegals who are already here will want to leave as soon as possible. Problem solved.
3. My entire cabinet will consist of Joel Osteen as Secretary of Everything. Working closely with God, he will assure that all citizens live the life of victory and abundance that He intended for them. Naturally, this will put the kibosh on natural disasters, eliminating the need for FEMA.
4. Public utterance of the following cliches will be outlawed: the N-word, it is what it is, the end of the day, Justin Bieber, for all intents and purposes, that being said, all Kardashians, as luck would have it, baby boomer, stay the course, Taylor Swift, I hear you, my way or the highway, Whoopie Goldberg, have a nice day, have a nice night, have a good one, what goes around comes around, it's all good, when you have lemons make lemonade, and let's not go there. Anyone saying these things will be forced to eat their words.
5. English will be the official language and all citizens will be required to show mastery of the apostrophe before getting a marriage, driver's, boating, hunting or artistic license.
2. After I am elected, nobody will want to come to America and all the illegals who are already here will want to leave as soon as possible. Problem solved.
3. My entire cabinet will consist of Joel Osteen as Secretary of Everything. Working closely with God, he will assure that all citizens live the life of victory and abundance that He intended for them. Naturally, this will put the kibosh on natural disasters, eliminating the need for FEMA.
4. Public utterance of the following cliches will be outlawed: the N-word, it is what it is, the end of the day, Justin Bieber, for all intents and purposes, that being said, all Kardashians, as luck would have it, baby boomer, stay the course, Taylor Swift, I hear you, my way or the highway, Whoopie Goldberg, have a nice day, have a nice night, have a good one, what goes around comes around, it's all good, when you have lemons make lemonade, and let's not go there. Anyone saying these things will be forced to eat their words.
5. English will be the official language and all citizens will be required to show mastery of the apostrophe before getting a marriage, driver's, boating, hunting or artistic license.
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