FILM REVIEW: Zero Dark Chocolate

What fun!

I hate when copy editors write a headline for a movie review that's a pun based on the movie's title, even when it doesn't apply. I have done exactly that here just to illustrate my point, although since there was little about chocolate in "Zero Dark Thirty," my chosen title for this post is quite fitting. In many ways, this is an educational film; I learned so much. Like, you actually can remain seated for two and a half hours and not develop a blood clot in your leg, something I worry about when I fly for that long.

The movie recounts the true story of how the CIA and the Navy Seals killed Osama Bin Laden, only, who knew-- his name was Usama Bin Laden. (There again, the learning.) And interestingly enough, neither President Obama nor Vice-President Biden was depicted in the movie since they apparently played no part in the whole caper, despite Biden saying about a million times during last year's political campaign that, "Obama killed Osama!" (He also got the name wrong.) But enough about education.

The plot is quite dark, which the title implies. If you don't like torture, and many people don't, you may want to bring a scarf or hat to cover your face for the first 30 or 40 minutes of the film because there is a ton of that going on. In case you've wondered what waterboarding looks like, you'll find out here if you can stand watching it. Turns out that America does engage in torture, although in this instance the Head Torturer is a really sweet guy with a gentle touch. He likes ice cream cones and little monkeys and is prone to growing a beard, shaving it off, and then growing it back again.

The star of the movie and head Usama-hunter is a female agent who everyone keeps referring to as "the girl." She is the mastermind of the whole plot, and seems to exist solely on cola drinks, M&Ms and Twizzlers. The movie was also directed by a woman, which is funny since it was so heavily macho-macho, what with all the CIA spies and bad guys and Navy Seals in night vision goggles and the aforementioned gruesome torture scenes. Plan for a somber time, since there was not one light-hearted moment in the whole thing, which probably means it will win the Oscar for Best Picture this year. (You heard it here first.)