Just the Two of Me

Illustration by Gordon Studer

Born under the sign of Gemini, I have a ridiculously split personality. It is possible that everyone else does too, regardless of when they were born, and that what is considered by the medical community to be an aberration is in reality perfectly normal. Whatever the case, I'm one of those human Twix bars, and it's downright annoying. For example, sometimes I think I might commit suicide in the next five minutes if only I had an easy way out, while at other times I truly want to live forever and rue the inevitability of death.

Similarly, although less dire, I want an oatmeal raisin bran muffin, several slices of anchovy pizza and a wide range of Chinese food for breakfast, lunch and dinner, but the other me, who's usually in charge of meals, opts for oatmeal with blueberries, a spinach salad and another damn chicken breast instead. I'm still sad and teary-eyed that my wonderful, sweet, adorable, gentle old cat died, but she's glad that my annoying, decrepit, arthritic, always vomiting cat is gone. They were both the same cat, so it must be me. I could go on, but I won't. (See, there it is again!)

I am seriously considering killing off the "bad" me and living the rest of my days as the "good" one. Nice plan, except I suspect the bad one is the better artist, and I think she may be writing this. Not sure. Also, one of them really dislikes Mitch, something he's the first to notice when she shows up, so I have to be really careful with that.