Only Ten More Shopping Days

There are only ten days left until the most meaningless of all meaningless holidays occurs, or whatever the word is for what Valentine's Day does.  Really, what does it do? And what's it for, and why are there so many products manufactured just for that one day, which, let me repeat, is meaningless? There are boxes of heart-shaped chocolates, and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, and certainly heart-shaped boxes of heart-shaped chocolates. The color red has its day, showing up in ribbons and store windows and advertisements for crappy jewelry from shopping malls and lovely jewelry from Tiffany's. Then there are the cards, declaring love for everyone from your spouse and siblings and kids and parents to your teacher, dog walker and trash collector. And the cakes and pies and cookies, all heart-shaped, as if the human heart is actually heart-shaped, which it is not. (See photo.) Plainly put, Valentine's Day is hateful.

On the other hand, it does offer an opportunity to get some stuff you want if your beloved takes such things seriously, and mine does--sort of. He thinks it matters, yet does nothing to get it right. Last-minute flowers and drugstore teddy bears wearing sweaters that say I LUV YOU don't cut it. Success takes planning. So I am writing this to help my husband survive what I know is a stressful time for him. I will hereby lay out explicit instructions, and let's just see how he does:

Don't buy this, I already have it!

At Maine Mall there is a store called Pandora that sells little beads or "charms" that slide onto leather or silver bracelets. (It's on the same side as the Apple store, just past the intersection of that other aisle. In fact, if you go, pick up that new iPhone you've been wanting, and Happy Valentine's day from me!) I have such a bracelet, but no beads, having bought just the leather version one day when I was downtown on Exchange Street and feeling sorry for myself. I would like a silver bead; not a glass one, and not one shaped like a frog or anything cute, or anything at all, and no hearts! We discussed this at the pool in Florida where that lady lying on the lounge chair next to us with the fat husband had one in black. She also had a silver one too, and I remarked that she must be rich, although so what, she still had that fat husband who I heard her tell, "See, if you did laps, you could look like him," pointing at you doing laps in the pool. (They also sell them at Brown's in Freeport across from the CVS, but have far fewer choices, and besides that lady in there is insufferable.)

Gemstones are fine.

Enough said. Of course, you gotta play to win, and there is no way to know if Mitch will read this, which makes it all the more fun. And P.S. to other husbands and boyfriends: This is a great gift, the leather bracelet is like $40.00 and the beads start at $25.00, so we are not talking breaking the bank.