Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Marital Arts

My husband's nephew has just announced his impending marriage to the world, or at least to his Facebook world. Naturally, all his friends and family are coming forward, myself included, to offer their congratulations, saying things like "Congratulations!" It's a happy event, with the future bride proudly displaying a photo of her lovely new engagement ring. Now is certainly not the time to mention that half of all marriages end in divorce, or that thousands upon thousands of people prosper as marriage counselors-- and still you have to wait weeks for an appointment--or that many a wife has been murdered by her husband and vice-versa. No, we will save that for later. Besides, this being the second marriage for the groom, surely he has heard all that before. What I would like to say to him is that he should insist, from the get-go, that clear rules be drawn up concerning some important things.

For example, it should be established beforehand that if one of them likes sleeping in a cold room and snuggling cozily under the covers while the other one wants it to feel like they are at the actual Equator, and might even crack open a window despite the frigid temps outside, who wins, assuming they desire to share a bed. And what if one of them doesn't give a hoot about eating dinner and might be happy with some popcorn or a yogurt, but the other requires a hearty repast every night, complete with a protein and two vegetables and a small salad, and no starch at all mind you even if the other one loves starch, then what? Separate tables?

There's more, believe me. Who walks the dog, if there is a dog? Are there cats? If so how many, and what about the litter box? Is that really where you want to leave that wet towel? And can't you ever turn out a light? Exactly how may half-empty jars of hot sauce do we need? And what constitutes "interrupting?" Is it still interrupting if the story has gone on long enough? How long until it can be considered "deliverance?" These are just some of the things that must be addressed in the marriage vows because, believe me, after you've said, "Til death do us part," all that's left is death. Of course there's always eternity, but it's an awfully long time from now...

1 comment:

  1. I intend to torment you through eternity