Sunday, January 6, 2013

Bite My Neck

It's sort of like I just woke up from a long sleep and found out that vampires are big. I am somewhat confused about this since I am pretty sure vampires are not real, and besides they are quite scary, so thank God. But teenagers seem to love them, and thus they are extremely popular in mainstream books and movies.

Coming late to that particular party, last night Mitch and I rented something called Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. Recommended by our friends Dave and Amelia, both 25-ish, who keep us informed on the latest trends, the film is highly educational. I learned so much. For example, while I always knew that vampires bite people on the neck and suck their blood, which then turns the victim into a vampire too, I never knew that they cannot kill one another because they are already dead. Apparently you have to be un-bitten and still alive, and cut their heads clear off in order to get rid of them forever and make them stay dead. That is absolutely the only thing that works. (Abe does a ton of that in this movie since, as luck would have it, the entire Confederate army is comprised of vampires. Naturally, all slave owners are vampires, which explains everything. Things get quite bloody except it's all shot in sepia tone so it's not too nauseating.) Lastly, vampires can become invisible whenever they please, making the aforementioned head-severing quite tricky, and they are horribly allergic to silverware.

The star of the movie is an unknown actor I've never heard of, but it turns out he is married to Meryl Streep's daughter, reinforcing my conviction that's it's all about connections out there in Hollywood. Anyway, I am considering turning my one and only screenplay into a vampire story. (Diana, are you reading this?) It's about a young woman who falls in love with her shrink, not knowing he is a vampire. Her ex-husband, two best friends and mother and father, all who play important roles in her life, are also vampires. I am changing the title from Shrink Rapt to Everyone I Know is a Vampire. I think it will sell. Now I just have to figure out how to meet Meryl Streep.


  1. When did she get old enough to have a daughter old enough to marry? tell me everything.....

    1. If you mean Meryl Streep, she is as old as the hills!