After the Storm, It's Back to the Races

Life is so unfair, in fact sometimes ridiculously so. Take the case of yesterday's Hurricane Sandy, a.k.a. Frankenstorm and Superstorm Sandy. It--I refuse to say "she" about a bunch of clouds--broke records for horrible things like highest wall of water anywhere and the deepest flood waters in the New York City subway ever. Today millions of people are either without power, suddenly homeless, stranded in flood waters, stuck in a blizzard or dead, all as a result of the weather. One particularly unlucky group of sick people in a Manhattan hospital, some hooked up to machines in the ICU, had to be evacuated to another hospital because of the lack of a working backup generator. Now that's got to be a really bad storm. Then again, many people caught in the very same storm system fared quite well, never lost power, never got wet, didn't hear a tree fall or see a snowflake.

Does he look ready for Inauguration Day or what?

Here in Maine we got some wind and some rain--nothing to write home about--but our power went out almost immediately and stayed out until this morning. I should say that the power in our neighborhood has also gone out on a sunny spring afternoon with no breeze. One friend in uptown New York City never lost her power, while another who lives downtown is still in the dark. What this proves is that life is incredibly different for each one of us, yet somehow we are all supposed to rally behind one or the other political candidate who would be king...oh come on, it's the same as president. Anyway, with the anointing one week away, and in the footsteps of the Des Moines Register endorsing a Republican for the first time in 40 years, The Daily Droid has decided to publicly endorse a candidate: Denzel Washington.

Although I did not vote for Obama last time, I wanted to. I like having a black president. I think it makes a lot of people feel really good about race relations here in America, and allows a lot of closet racists to feel okay about their true feelings because they voted for the black man, which in turn makes them actually be a little less racist. Also, Denzel is such a great actor, he would surely be up to speed on the presidency in no time. I mean, Ronald Reagan wasn't even a good actor and he pulled it off. Lastly, Denzel is so handsome and articulate, and clean--maybe even as clean as Obama, which Joe Biden himself pointed out four years ago was one of the main reasons Obama was a good choice for president.

As for Vice-President, which matters very little unless the president dies, I would like someone with a sense of humor, easy on the eyes, maybe even a woman. Not Sarah Palin--someone actually smart, who knows a lot about history and politics, and with years of experience in D.C. Thus, I choose Ann Coulter for Vice-President. Lest you think I am crazy, bear in mind that I was without power for 18 hours during Hurricane Sandy. Not only did I have to reset all my digital clocks, which were flashing annoyingly, but my stockpile of organic frozen raspberries--not cheap-- was partially defrosted and turned to mush. Plus my screened porch took quite a beating, with all the decorative seashells perched on the chair rail blown all over the place. Some of them even broke, so I'm not myself today, but then, who could be after Sandy?

Mother Nature for President

Man oh man, all the journalists are having a field day with Hurricane Sandy. It's not just any old super-storm, it's an epic super-storm that packs a wallop, wreaks havoc, bears down, picks up steam, slams cities, churns, boils, roils, and roars its way up the coast causing an estimated $10 billion in damage. It threatens the lives of millions of people, can be seen from outer space, has closed all of New York City and shut down Washington, D.C. If people in Sandy's path are not out sand-bagging they are hunkering down, and if they're not hunkering down they're evacuating. Beaches are eroding, piers are being pounded and the record surges are shooting the Weather Channel's ratings through the roof.

What's really great about the storm--which is really terrible and nothing is great about it but if anything were--is how it puts in perspective that itty-bitty, teeny-tiny thing all of America has been obsessing over for the past year: the personality contest between Barry and Mitty. Sandy has eclipsed them both! Except for the death and destruction and flooding and all, it's sort of a nice break, don't you think?

Now That's What I Call "The Perfect Storm"

According to a letter I got from the Democratic Senatorial Campaign Committee, "Republicans are more concerned with defeating Democrats than creating jobs and helping the middle class." As you may recall, they have gone to great lengths to do so in the past--like back in 2000, when they forced the Supreme Court to hand over the White House to George W. Bush. Well, as hard as it is to imagine topping that maneuver, those sneaky Republicans have come up with a real doozy this time around: They have somehow--and don't ask me how--seeded the clouds and created a huge storm named Hurricane Sandy that several media outlets have already predicted could impact the election.

Sandy's projected path looks just like a chicken leg.

Sandy, which rhymes with Candy and we all certainly know what that means--Candy Crowley, the debate, duh-- will allegedly cause power outages lasting weeks that could shut down absentee voting, certainly the prime conduit of the fraudulent stuffing of ballot boxes. And dangerous and severe flooding in the storm's aftermath will likely keep people at home on Election Day, mostly those old and poor Democrats who don't even have cars thanks to the Republican pigs taking all their money.

No matter what, Sandy has already interfered with the final week of campaigning, cancelling many last-minute baby-kissing, hand-shaking and pizza-eating opportunities for both candidates, and everyone knows the last week of the campaign is the most important week of all--or at least it will be in hindsight after the landslide Romney victory. Just like the Supreme Court did a dozen years ago, Hurricane Sandy will deflect the true will of the people and usher in a Republican administration, something nobody in their right mind could want. Since Maine has only four electoral votes, we will likely only get a lot of rain and some high winds so I am not too worried about it. But New York and Florida, with 29 electoral votes each, and Pennsylvania, with 20, are being targeted to get the worst of the storm. Let's just see if this nefarious Republican scheme works.

Why We Hate Mitt

The Romneys: How fortunate can one family be?

In today's world, if you are 100% Caucasian without any handicaps, and are not living an alternative lifestyle like having sex with your dog, you are low man on the totem pole, and I use the word man to include women too. But never fear, you can redeem yourself by being poor and pregnant--the more kids the better--and having many abortions. Or perhaps your father abused you as a child, or maybe your uncle or your priest or even better, your mother; a horrible childhood will catapult you up the ladder to acceptance by society.  But if you have had a happy childhood and a nice life since then, are intelligent and good-looking, successful in your chosen career, living in a traditional marriage and are reasonably healthy, and have sired only healthy children, forget it; you will be scorned, tarred and feathered, hated and hollered at. After all, why should anyone show you kindness--you've got it all.

I would like to go on record as saying I have had two miscarriages, multiple abortions, several wrong surgeries, two cancer diagnoses, a very unhappy childhood and a miserable first marriage. I now have arthritis and high blood pressure, and so have my share of pain and anxiety. I am also a Jew, and thus my ancestors were persecuted and I still feel their pain. Call me?

Everyone's Favorite Lie

A few weeks back I sent an email to the Head Recruiter at a certain organization offering any of several services; basically, I was looking for a job. A friend who works there helped me out in two ways: She gave me the woman's email address and also put in a good word for me with her. Yesterday I received an email from the lady in question that said in fact there is a job that I might very well fill, and would I be interested in it, giving a few details. I emailed back that yes I would and when can we talk. Her final email said she would call me first thing this morning when she got to work. I gave her my cell phone number so I wouldn't miss the call for any reason, like going out to get the paper at the end of the driveway, or whatever.

I carried my cell phone with me all morning. I left it right outside the shower door. I had it on the passenger seat as I drove to an appointment, one I had told her about so she wouldn't call at that time. No call came. Back home after my appointment, I wrote her an email saying I was hoping to hear from her and was she still interested. Still, at three in the afternoon, nothing. I called the phone number on her email, but it turned out to be one of those company recordings where you have to spell out the person's name on your keypad to get their extension and I just don't do that sort of thing. (I think it's retarded, if I can say that without offending anyone.)

This person's title is Head of Recruitment at this quite sizable and very well-respected company. I was seeking recruitment. She began the recruitment process, but stopped. If she is not busy recruiting, then what the heck is she doing? As I usually feel in these situations, I certainly hope the poor woman is not in the hospital or, God forbid a million times, lying dead in a ditch somewhere, but if that's what happened I'd feel a whole lot better about things.

If I Were President

Never watched "The Beverly Hillbillies," but I know that's them.

Okay, I'm taking the gloves off. After all, if Obama can be obnoxious and nasty and have everyone think he's cool, I guess I can try it. Also, my son says the reason so few people read my blog is because I am not controversial enough, so here goes. This is how I actually feel about the following situations:

1. We all know that being fat is unhealthy, unattractive, and in some dire cases downright disgusting. I have said as much before. So when I'm in charge, citizens will be ticketed for every pound over the legal limit, which will be determined by experts such as doctors and insurance actuaries. You might be eating a Whopper at Burger King one day and have a cop come up to you, produce one of those new wrist scales where they can weigh you on the spot, and give you a ticket for breaking the Fatness Law. It might be like $5 per pound, or more depending on how financially strapped my administration is at that point.

2. Bad taste will be outlawed. This will apply to clothing, hairstyles, car decals and exterior home decor. Facial hair on men will be strictly prohibited, while women with facial hair will be pitied. Lawn ornaments such as gnomes, giant mushrooms, gnomes leaning on giant mushrooms, plastic reindeer at Christmas and throughout the year, those dumb pinwheels, flamingos of any color and jockeys ditto will be confiscated. A second offense will result in the scofflaw having to do community service such as repainting all those ugly houses a new color chosen by the state and shaving women's beards.

3. Persons caught using a cell phone in public will be jailed for one month and forced to watch reruns of "The Beverly Hillbillies" (see photo) or translate Shakespeare's sonnets into pig-Latin, their choice. Anyone caught texting while driving will be publicly mocked, audibly scorned and forced to wear a button saying, "I AM REALLY DUMB."

No More Mr. Nice Guy

I have never thought anyone an idiot because of his or her political leanings. Not once. Yet I have seen many people come to blows, end friendships, and worse, over that very thing. Why an ordinary citizen cares so deeply about the fortunes of the rich and famous who wish to become richer and more famous is beyond me. Conventional Wisdom alleges that your political choices profoundly reflect who you are, what your values are, blah, blah, blah. I don't see it that way. For me, I either like someone or I don't. If I don't, then no amount of jabbering will get me to feel otherwise.

Last night we all watched the final--thank God!-- debate between the two egomaniacs who hope to rule the free world for the next four years. That common goal is the only thing that unites them; otherwise, they are as different as black and white. (Ha ha!)

What I saw was one guy who was snarky (thanks for that word, Mel!), arrogant, snide, obnoxious, and out for blood from the get-go. His opponent was kinder and gentler, a more reasoned sort, certainly more to my liking but alas, seemingly less up-to-speed on the facts. That makes sense of course, since Snarky has been at the very job in question for four years already, so he damn well better know more about what's going on than Mr. Nice Guy--in fact, a lot more. But seeing as how the average American is a bully at heart, last night's "winner" as proclaimed by the gaggle of vultures gathered in so-called "spin rooms" to feed on the remnants of the two combatants was Snarky. This leads me to think that since the election is only two weeks away and the last memory voters will have is of a smiling Mr. Nice Guy who seemed shorter on the facts despite being longer on the skills, intelligence, wit, demeanor, and diplomacy we can only dream about seeing in our president, that horrid Snarky will win. This is, after all, America.

Slap On a Smiley Face

Complain, complain, complain, that's all everyone ever does, certainly me. In fact I could be named the Most Complainy of All Time. Well, I am sick of it; I'm done with complaints, except this one which is essentially a complaint about how much complaining I do. From now on I will focus on all that is good and pure and true in the world, and revel in the glory of the everyday.

For example, I just ate a really delicious piece of toast with some yummy almond butter and a smattering of blueberries. And I may even have a second cup of fresh, steaming, black coffee. It's a beautiful October day here in Maine. I do not at the moment have any disfiguring diseases. I just ate breakfast, as mentioned, so I am not dying of hunger, and since I can walk I'm about to go out for a 45-minute trot about town. I have no real problems; they are all imaginary. So what if it's boring here and there is nothing to do really--at least nobody is breaking down my door or stealing my hubcaps or selling crack on the corner. I'm not sure if anyone still sells crack on any corners anywhere since I live in the boonies and stopped watching SVU a long time ago, but whatever--there are no drug deals going down in my neighborhood.

Let's see, surely there is more. Okay, it is not raining. Oh, I already said it's a beautiful day. And an article in today's Wall Street Journal says that Portland is a great place to live, full of trendy restaurants and art museums and even a symphony. I will not mention how much the symphony sucks and that the last time we attended we actually left at intermission and how the sole art museum is quite tiny and I already know every painting that hangs in each room. Not going there. Well then, I guess I'll just end by saying that happiness is within my grasp, it doesn't just fall from the sky like the weather, you have to go out and find it. As long as I'm still ambulatory with functioning organs, nothing else matters. Have a nice day.

Film Review: ARGO

Ben Affleck in his Daddy's sport coat.

I would like to publicly apologize to Ben Affleck for all the bad things I have said about him in the past. These include statements like, "He can't act his way out of a paper bag,"  "He's as boring as a block of wood," and, when he was half of Bennifer, "His girlfriend is a slut." After seeing ARGO, the new film he co-produced (with George Clooney) and directed, and in which he stars, I now want to go on record as saying the man is a movie-God who walks among us.

ARGO is a great, great, great movie. If I were a professional film critic, I would call it a "must-see, tense, political thriller with touches of comedy and profound lessons applicable to America's current foreign disturbances." But since this is just my personal blog I can say it's ridiculously intense, laugh-out-loud funny, complicated enough and scary. It tells the true story of a decades-old political situation--the 1979 seizure of American hostages by Iranian radicals--by weaving real footage in with Hollywood artifice. To the director's credit, most of the time you can hardly tell which is which.

Ben plays an elite CIA agent called in to mastermind the release of six of the hostages, and he acts the part with both flair and sobriety-- two quite different attitudes that are rarely seen in one person, at least at the same time. Helping him pull off what has since become known as the "Canadian Caper" are John Goodman, fatter and jollier than ever, and Alan Arkin, older and balder but still a hoot. But the true star of the movie is the cast of thousands portraying the angry mob that storms the embassy, causing me to steer clear of Iran, Iraq, Israel, Libya, Syria, Jordan, or in fact anyplace you see on the news where mobs of men in flip-flops are throwing rocks, flags are being brandished aloft, and cars are aflame in the village square. I am also strengthening my surveillance of our Persian cat, and as of today Gizmo is banned from our bedroom while we sleep.

Don't get me wrong--it's not like ARGO is without flaws. In one scene, Ben's big-shouldered tweed sport coat seems like the wrong size and maybe it belongs to his Daddy. I found this annoying and wondered how the wardrobe lady missed it. Other than that, the movie's perfect.

People Get Ready

Suddenly the winds have changed and some polls and pundits are predicting a Romney victory. This would naturally impact the country in huge ways. Besides the biggest change in Congress--Nancy Pelosi will finally stop smiling--some of the other societal shifts we can expect include:

* The words "missionary position" will take on a whole new meaning.

* With Michelle gone, school cafeterias will go back to serving French fries with mashed potatoes, gravy and biscuits, a specialty of Mormon cuisine. We'll be able to eat whatever we want--except those downtrodden New Yorkers in Bloomberg territory. Children will no longer be urged to "move an hour a day," and eventually everyone will have diabetes.

* Those crybaby Democrats, which means all the Democrats, will claim foul play and initiate lawsuits against George W. Bush, who surely had something to do with it.

* The writers at Saturday Night Live will rejoice as once again they are free to mercilessly mock the president without fear of being called racist.

* Anticipating the repeal of Roe v. Wade, even women who aren't pregnant will rush out to get abortions while they still can, with lines outside of the few remaining Planned Parenthood centers stretching for blocks.

* The ladies of The View will kvetch and moan. Whoopie Goldberg will gain another 50 pounds and start shopping at the Big & Tall Shop. Barbara Walters, almost 100 years old under that face mask, is likely to drop dead from the shock. Joy Behar--oh, who cares about her.

* Photo-shopped glamor shots of Ann Romney will grace the cover of Vogue, the only magazine still in print.

* Joe Biden, laughing all the way, will thankfully recede back into oblivion where he belongs, while Secretary of State Marie Osmond will become famous again.

* The Reverend Al Sharpton will go on a hunger strike and completely disappear by Inauguration Day.

What To Do With All That Money...Instead

Here's an idea that could change the face of politics forever, and I offer it to the world free of charge: You know how politicians are always so busy raising money for their campaigns? These fundraising schemes range from celebrity dinners costing $25,000 a head to nickel and diming the little people via email and snail mail. Just the other day I got a "letter" from Mitt Romney himself, thanking me for my support and by the way could I send in a little something more to help him. I thought, how odd that a million-billionaire is asking for a donation to his winning the presidency by giving my money to advertising agencies in New York City and LA who will use it to create ads discrediting his opponent. Naturally this is a two-way street, and Obama is asking the same of his supporters.

Now here is my idea: What if I did send him money because I do want him to win the election, and he spent that money on things like homeless shelters or building bridges or dental care for poor people or fill in the blank? I would send him a lot of money! And what if Obama did the same, and he got a lot of contributions too? Then they both could still boast about how much money they raised, but they could also tell us all the good things they did with that money, and we could vote for them because of how good they are, not how bad they say the other guy is. Plus, the money would be spent on something lasting and of true value, instead of vanishing TV time.

Okay, so there would be some new unemployed ad executives at those advertising agencies. (Hey, they don't call them "Mad Men" for nothing.)  Still, all in all I'd say it would be a win-win for America, wouldn't you?