When You're Dead

Nobody knows exactly what happens after we die. This is because nobody dead has ever come back to life, and I mean nobody. (If you are thinking Jesus Christ, oh please.) From all that we can see here in this realm, dead people cease to exist. They don't need food or clothing or shelter or anything at all, really. Dead people do not have expenses.

The cost of dying is a different story. It's actually free if you are incinerated in a plane crash or fire or lost at sea.
Lingering illnesses that require hospitalization are a different story, since the cost of a bed and treatment are crazily high. The thing is, in all of those cases you end up just as dead. So why leave the survivors with less cash?

This is the conversation my husband and I are now having, which is goddam depressing if you ask me. I say cremate me, and do it for as little as possible. This can run anywhere from a few hundred bucks up to a thousand, depending on a few details. I want no details, wishing to leave as much money to my son as possible.

On the other hand, my husband, who seems to have taken leave of his senses since his best friend died and was buried in a Jewish cemetery five months ago, has suddenly decided he wants to be buried too, with all the bells and whistles. This will run to $8,979, with $2,600 going to the Jews in charge of picking up his body, washing it, and eventually dumping it in the ground in a plain pine box -- the body wrapped in a shroud for an extra $150.

I am unbelievably outraged at his apparent insanity, allegedly brought on by seeing his friend lowered into the ground. Somehow he likes thinking of Ira deep in the dirt, seeing it as a "respectful repository of the body that once held his soul." All I can say is, Oy vey iz mir, Gut in himmel, when you're dead, you're dead! That money could be used to help living people in dire need, or else leave it to your son and future grandchildren. 

The thriving death industry is little different than drinking the Kool-Aid in Jonestown. A cult is a cult is a cult.

A Catty Rant

How was she talked into leaving her house looking like that? Was she drunk? Is she on drugs? Was she promised a ton of money by the dress designer? Did the dress even have a legitimate designer or was it made by a gay friend trying to break into the fashion industry?? Is she remorseful now and considering suicide? Was she confused and thinking she was going to a Halloween party?

I did not watch the Academy Awards because A, I forgot they were on and B, I never saw any of the movies that were nominated and C, it's a stupid waste of time, but still I was forced to see photos from the event that made it into the mainstream media for days following the Hollywood ego-fest.

One picture stood out from all the rest, and was shown by every news outlet: Heidi Klum looking really bad in a dress that might have been made in my 8th-grade Home Economics class back in the 1960s.  Not only is the dress ridiculously hideous and ill-fitting, but it exposes some hard truths about the former supermodel: she's losing tone and has developed quite a tummy. 

I could go on but I've got things to do. 

(FYI, TODAY'S PAGE LAYOUT PAYS HOMAGE TO HEIDI'S DRESS!)

Blocking Out Food Noise

These days it's almost impossible not to think about food. It's so common it's been given a name: Food noise. 

Just turning on the TV to catch up on the war news involves having a stuffed-crust pizza shoved in your face. Change the channel and it's a commercial for one of those hot new weight-loss injections. Or maybe it's a cooking show, or a baking show, or an interview with a formerly-fat-now-skinny actress telling how she lost the weight. 

Food noise is inescapable, and makes me long to be stranded on a remote island living on nuts, berries, and the occasional fish my partner-in-stranding would catch. Instead I'm faced with the never-ending question, "What's for dinner?" that sends me to a supermarket full of empty calories, and it's all making my clothes much too tight.

Several things should happen to right these wrongs. First of all, Girl Scout cookies should be outlawed. They taste terrible, are full of bad ingredients and increase in cost every year despite the decline in quality. Even the Thin Mints aren't thin anymore! To raise money, the Girl Scouts should start selling healthy things. How about plants, flowers, vegetable seeds for a garden?

Next, all the inside rows of all the supermarkets should be eliminated. No more crackers, cookies, chips, candy, sodas, donuts, cakes, pies, breads and pastries. This would make the stores smaller and more manageable to get around. Think of the time saved shopping!

The FCC should outlaw commercials for any foods deemed unhealthy. In fact, why stop there? Just outlaw any foods deemed unhealthy, or at least make them unaffordable. For example, a small French fries at McDonald's should cost $15.00.

Bring back weight limits for flight attendants, they've gotten way out of hand. And while I'm on the subject, stop doling out those crappy snacks on airplanes that people eat because they are petrified they will crash to their death any second so why not have some Goldfish crackers or chocolate-chip cookies or pretzels on the way down.

If food was fuel, everyone would stop thinking about it and all that food noise would pipe down. People would look better, feel better and be in much better moods. Even anorexics would start eating better.

The Luck of the Irish?

Yesterday was a "holiday," I suppose mainly for Irish people although it is printed on my Mark Rothko Wall Calendar and I don't believe he was Irish, so why is it there? (I just looked it up and Rothko was a Russian Jew, but 1 in 4 adults in America are of Irish descent.)

Anyway, also being a Russian Jew I did not celebrate St. Patrick's Day, but I did read about a few parades. One of them took place in Kentucky, where a 50-year-old mother of two was walking too close to a float in the local St. Paddy's parade and somehow her foot got entangled with one of the wheels and she was pulled under the vehicle and died on the way to the hospital. 

So from now until forever on St. Patrick's Day her kids will think of the freak accident that robbed them of their mother and their childhood. No matter how you slice it, that's pretty bad luck.

Flickering Brain Syndrome

I meet more and more people these days who lack brains. Or else they have brains that have fallen into disrepair since they are used less often as technological advances replace them, making thinking unnecessary. So they flicker, like a light bulb on the way out.

Flickerbrains really bug me. Not as much as fat people who are just pathetic, but still, a brain is a terrible thing to lose, or waste, or something, if you ever had one, to quote Dan Quayle, former VP for George Bush the Elder many years ago. (See, my brain flickers on and off too.)

One of those flickerbrains just called our house phone, showing the caller ID "Wireless Caller." I answer our landline just for fun, since it's usually spam and I love hearing that Indian accent. Today it was this guy Amos, who has called at least five times over the past few years and it's always the same conversation:

Me: Hello?

Amos: I'm looking for Mitch.

Me: He's not here. Don't you have his cell phone number?

Amos: I do, I thought this was it.

Me: No, this is his home number.

Amos: Oh, I thought I had fixed that in my contacts.

Me: Guess not.

Amos: I definitely will. What is his cell phone number?

So I give him Mitch's cell number and we hang up and I have no doubt that Amos will call the house in a few months and we will have the exact conversation again. BTW, he's no dummy: he's a successful business owner, wins big government contracts and lives in a ritzy neighborhood in a home that faces the water. It's just that his brain is going.

The Future of Us

As reported in today's Wall Street Journal, Elon Musk is busy making a new fleet of vehicles that have neither a steering wheel nor foot pedals, and instead operate on Tesla's Full Self-Driving software. Called a Cybercab, they are already in production in Austin, Texas.

After those cabs hit the streets, Musk plans to start development of humanoid robots. I guess they'll get around by Cybercab. As for the rest of us, the article did not specify how Musk plans to use humans once we become extinct.

How to Be Happier, Instantly

I live in Maine. There are no missiles being fired at me, no drones circling overhead, no blaring sirens warning me to take shelter. In fact, it's not even snowing here today! All is calm. So why would I choose to end that peace by turning on my TV and seeing the intense war, death and destruction occurring thousand of miles away, about which I can do absolutely nothing? 

Admit it: you've got to be a masochist to watch the news these days, unless of course you are directly involved in some way. If my son or daughter were in the military or a journalist covering war, I would tune in. Aside from those conditions, all it does is make me anxious, sad and depressed, all the while alerting me to the many diseases that I could get and the many drugs I should ask my doctor about. And oh yes, don't forget that shingles could get me at any moment so I must get vaccinated ASAP, I hope it's not too late.

We've all heard the expression, "No news is good news." I suggest taking that literally. From now on my TV will be called the Movie Box.

The New N-word?

Today I made a vet appointment for my cat. The doctor who I always see and who is fantastic had no openings for the next three weeks, so it would have to be with one of the others in the practice. I told the receptionist that I was okay with any of them except for the guy with the heavy arm, neck and face tattoos, multiple facial piercings and long painted fingernails. "I can say, that, right?" I asked. She said that was fine. Then I had to go and ruin it by adding, "You know, someone normal."

Oops, big mistake. She immediately bristled and said, "That's not acceptable. That is definitely not acceptable language." She was pretty pissed. "You can't say someone is not normal."

I apologized for offending her but explained that, being 79, his bizarre appearance is anything but normal to me. Or to anyone in their right mind, which is what I thought but did not say. For example, a friend of mine who is in her right mind went to that vet practice on my recommendation, but when she got there and saw Dr. Tattoo she immediately walked out. She now drives eight miles to the next town to see a different vet.

So, is normal the new N-word?

Mothers of the Year

Those lips should make her a big hit in prison!

"A California mother who left her two young sons strapped in a hot car while she underwent a cosmetic procedure has been sentenced to 15 years to life in prison after one of the children died."

So many things are wrong with the paragraph above, it's hard to know where to start. For example, it leaves out the possibility of the death penalty. The article continued:

"Maya Hernandez, 20, of Visalia, was sentenced after pleading no contest last month to involuntary manslaughter in the death of her 1-year-old son, Amillio Gutierrez.

"Hernandez left Amillio and his 2-year-old brother locked in a parked car on June 29, 2025, as temperatures soared to 101 degrees in the area, while she went inside a medical spa in Bakersfield for lip filler injections."

Dead tummy-tucker.

People who have cosmetic procedures falsely believe that changing their looks will change their lives or who they are, but in reality they either remain idiotic or die, like the 47-year-old influencer who recently passed away from complications of a tummy tuck, which she documented to her thousands of Instagram followers. She had three kids and a husband but still needed to have a flatter stomach.

How is this my species?

I'm Surprised the Suicide Rate Isn't Higher

An article in today's New York Times has alerted me to a trend called "looksmaxxing" that has taken over the current generation known as Gen Z, those born in the mid- to late-1990s through the 2010s. What it means is that how you look, how attractive you are, matters more than anything else and thus requires you to focus all your energy and time on improving your sexiness. Yet oddly enough, those people who engage in it don't have or want to engage in sex. They shun relationships, instead spending every minute of every day improving their looks, including using extreme measures like "bone smashing," or hitting their faces with a hammer to re-structure a jaw, and using crystal meth to stay lean. 

The leader of this trend is an influencer who goes by the name of Clavicular. Born a normal kid in normal New Jersey, somewhere along the way he decided his self-worth was to be found in his looks, which honestly weren't all that great. Today he is much better-looking and has 762.6 thousand followers on TikTok and 176.8 thousand followers on Kick (where he earns $100,000 a month). 

Humans are in such a bad place now, I can only thank God, (Thank you God) for the fact that I was born long before all this and thus avoided having to navigate this bizarre world as a young, single woman, most of whom are largely ignored by men who are busy looksmaxxing.

Thankfully my own son, a Millennial born in 1987, is naturally very handsome, so that's one thing he doesn't have to worry about. But if he opts to have a child now, I hate to think how deranged things will be in a dozen or so years when my future grandchild hits puberty.

Things Could Always Be Worse

It's bad enough waking up with a cold and body aches all over which sounds more like the flu, and also with a blood clot in my calf that could, maybe -- probably not but still the possibility exists -- break apart and a little piece could make its way to my lungs and cause a pulmonary embolism that kills me, so did I really need to see that article on AOL, which is where I get my email, about a 20-year-old college student who gave birth in her toilet at home, then let the baby die and buried it inside a trash bag in her backyard before dashing off to appear in a school play? 

The answer of course is a resounding "No!" Yet the powers that be at AOL decided that was a great bit of news to share with their readers. To what purpose, I have to wonder. Are humans so debased that only the most heinous stories will satisfy their lust for horror? Or is it in some twisted way to make people feel better about their own lives? As in, I have never killed an infant so I guess I'm doing pretty well?

So in a way, except for my cold (or possibly flu) and my clot, for which I'm taking medicine, having never killed an infant, this day is off to pretty good start.

Look On the Bright Side

In case you feel all alone in the world because your parents are both dead, or you have no siblings, or you grew up in an orphanage, or whatever the reason you think life has dealt you a bad hand, here's an item I found online to cheer you up: 

 "Police were called to a home in upstate New York about a deceased individual inside the residence. Troopers found Philip Knickerbocker, 63, deceased on a couch, New York State Police said. 

"Investigators soon determined that Philip was allegedly strangled to death by his son, Hans Knickerbocker, 40, who allegedly intervened in an argument between his father and his wife, police said.

"During the argument, Philip poured coffee on Jacqueline’s head and tried to punch her, the documents allege. Hans, who was in his bedroom, became upset, according to the documents, confronted his father and allegedly beat him with his fists."

So relax, call a friend and go for a walk. Things could be worse.

Marching Forth Into the Unknown

Exactly two weeks ago tomorrow I had a brand new adventure: I got a blood clot in my leg! This was less exciting than taking a water taxi on the Grand Canal in Venice or a helicopter over the Grand Canyon, but equally, if not more, impactful. 

Since the clot showed up, several different doctors, nurses, radiologists and physical therapists have offered their advice after A, going to medical school many years ago or B, researching the problem online for the latest info, and so I have gotten conflicting recommendations as to how to proceed. Meaning I am now utterly confused and don't know how to proceed.

The one person in my life who would have known exactly what I should do died 16 years ago, and since then I have been on my own, medically speaking. My wonderful uncle and friend, Dr. Melvin L.Keller, could instantly assess any medical condition and determine a course of action. He was magical in that way. Naturally, being so anxious and fearful of dire things happening to me, I had him on speed dial.

Today is his birthday. He loved to say he was born on the only date that was a command: March Forth! If I could have any wish granted, it would be for him to be alive again, young and healthy and funny and smart and loving as he always was. Also, he could tell me if I could go back to CrossFit, or use a rowing machine, or do planks and sit-ups, and all the rest. Short of that, I'd like some doctor who is alive and knows something to tell me what to do next.

Time to Vote Republican

Bartender AOC doing the work God intended for her.

If Donald Trump discovered the cure for cancer, Democrats would accuse him of being racist for not finding a cure for sickle-cell anemia, a disease that mainly afflicts African Americans. That's how misguided, misinformed, messed-up and mistaken they all are. And I do mean all.

I have few friends left who vote Democratic. The closest one is a tireless workaholic who spends every minute of her life helping others, be it through her work as a nurse, her role as a daughter to an aging parent, or as a mother and grandmother.  Naturally she has little time to educate herself on world events, and being a true bleeding-heart she naturally thinks all immigrants should be allowed in no matter their status and sure, let's give them a nice clean bed and healthcare, everyone else be damned. I get that, and I love her anyway.

My few other Democrat friends skim the surface of what's going on and consider themselves up to speed because they watch CNN or MSNBC and read the opinion page of The New York Times. On the other hand, all the Republicans I know are deep into learning everything they can about what goes on in government. They watch all the news, read all the newspapers and listen to various podcasts with differing political slants. 

There is simply no comparing the two parties. For example, Republicans Secretary of State Marco Rubio, Senator Ted Cruz, Senator John Kennedy, Senator Rand Paul, Senator Tom Cotton and Senator Josh Hawley are all super-smart. As opposed to Kamala Harris, Rep. Jasmine Crockett, Rep. Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, Governor Gavin Newsom and Pete Buttigieg, who are all clearly idiots yet are named as possible front-runners for the 2028 presidential race.

Come on people, do some research before you damn Trump as "orange man bad," as if his hair color has anything to do with anything. And if you mean his skin, well that's just racist.