Blocking Out Food Noise

These days it's almost impossible not to think about food. It's so common it's been given a name: Food noise. 

Just turning on the TV to catch up on the war news involves having a stuffed-crust pizza shoved in your face. Change the channel and it's a commercial for one of those hot new weight-loss injections. Or maybe it's a cooking show, or a baking show, or an interview with a formerly-fat-now-skinny actress telling how she lost the weight. 

Food noise is inescapable, and makes me long to be stranded on a remote island living on nuts, berries, and the occasional fish my partner-in-stranding would catch. Instead I'm faced with the never-ending question, "What's for dinner?" that sends me to the supermarket full of empty calories, and it's making all my clothes too tight.

Several things should happen to right these wrongs. First of all, Girl Scout cookies should be outlawed. They taste terrible, are full of bad ingredients and increase in cost every year despite the decline in quality. Even the Thin Mints aren't thin anymore! To raise money, the Girl Scouts should start selling healthy things. How about plants, flowers, vegetable seeds for a garden?

Next, all the inside rows of all the supermarkets should be eliminated. No more crackers, cookies, chips, candy, sodas, donuts, cakes, pies, breads and pastries. This would make the stores smaller and more manageable to get around. Think of the time saved shopping!

The FCC should outlaw commercials for any foods deemed unhealthy. In fact, why stop there? Just outlaw any foods deemed unhealthy, or at least make them unaffordable. For example, a small French fries at McDonald's should cost $15.00.

Bring back weight limits for flight attendants, they've gotten way out of hand. And while I'm on the subject, stop doling out those crappy snacks on airplanes that people eat because they are petrified they will crash to their death any second so why not have some Goldfish crackers or chocolate-chip cookies or pretzels on the way down.

If food was fuel, everyone would stop thinking about it and all that food noise would pipe down. People would look better, feel better and be in much better moods. Even anorexics would start eating better.