The Oscars Are So Over

Last night I finally achieved true adulthood: I did not watch the Academy Awards. Not out of spite or churlishness or the desire to be "a rebel, but simply because I forgot it was on TV and when I remembered I was deep into an episode of "SVU," and also who gives a crap. However this morning it was splashed all over the news on the Internet, so I found out the following important things:

1. Before the ceremony, loser Glenn Close rubbed CBD oil onto her feet.  (Actually she had someone else rub it on her feet for her.) She later wowed the crowd by doing a dance called "Da Butt," which as you may imagine consists of sticking out your butt and moving it from side to side. (One wonders if she also rubbed CBD oil on her butt.)

2. Although plenty of "people of color" won awards in many categories, nevertheless the woke generation loudly complained because some "old white people" actually managed to win the top acting honors. One of them was Frances McDormand for her humorless portrayal of a depressed homeless person in Nomadland, a boring movie about depressed homeless people that won Best Picture. Skip it and watch My Octopus Teacher instead, a Netflix entry that deservedly won Best Documentary.

3. Anthony Hopkins, another one of those old whites who won the award for Best Actor, did not show up to receive it and his statuette was accepted instead by a photograph of him. Bravo, Anthony!