According to a 2017 report issued by the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, America is the fattest nation in the world, followed closely by Mexico. Despite that whole "fat acceptance" movement, which consists of fat people themselves and the demented people who like their partners that way claiming there is "more to love," being fat is bad on numerous fronts. I don't need to spell them out; it's just common sense. Anyway, I have a plan that will end obesity forever!
My plan will work, I have no doubt. It's been hard to get people on board; whenever I tell someone about it they roll their eyes and slowly back away, claiming they just remembered they have to be somewhere. Still, all great ideas are met with skepticism at first, so I remain undaunted.
In a nutshell, it's just like speeding. There are posted limits on all the roads and highways in every town and city. If you go above those limits you risk being stopped by a police officer and getting a warning or a ticket. If you get a ticket you have to pay a fine. In some cases, if the infraction was severe, you'll have to appear in court to plead your case. You may get off with little more than a stern talking-to or you might even do some jail time. Either way the speeders are kept to minimum, and some of the worst lose their right to drive altogether, which in turn makes all of us even safer and cuts down on the number of dead doggies, kitties and baby deer on the side of the road.
Now think of the same approach applied to obesity. Every town, city and state will post the permissible weight for its citizens. (Actually, I think it's best for the federal government to make it a law but my husband feels that smacks of totalitarianism.) Random spot weight-checks will be conducted by officials armed with electronic devices that look like blood-pressure monitors. If you're just a few pounds over, you'll get a warning and possible a slap on the wrist, depending on the personality of the officer. But if you are found to be obese you will be fined for every pound in excess of the legal weight.
Here's how it would work. Say you're in a food court at the airport or a shopping mall and you just sat down to enjoy your meal of French fries, a bacon cheeseburger and a large soda. A member of the WCF (Weight Control Force) notices you and approaches:
WCF: Excuse me sir, but I'd like permission to weigh you.
Diner: Certainly officer, although I'm sure it's fine. (Nervous laugh.) Just a little extra holiday weight, you know?
WCF: What is your height?
Diner: About six feet. Well, more like 5'11" or so.... does that really matter? Let's say 5'10".
WCF: Please extend your right arm.
Diner: Okay, maybe I'm up a few pounds, it's just that my wife is a fantastic cook....
WCF: Sir, my electronic weight cuff shows you at 212 pounds. That's 24 pounds over the legal weight for your height in this jurisdiction. I'll have to write you a ticket.
Diner: Oh no! For how much?
WTC: Since it's your first infraction it's just two dollars per pound, so that comes to $48.00 today. You have ten weeks to lose the weight. Here's your court date. If you don't weigh in at 188 pounds on that date you will be fined again for the remaining amount, but at a higher rate. Have a nice day!
Diner: Can I still eat my lunch?
WCF: Sure, go ahead -- after all, it's your funeral. (Laughs heartily.)
And there you have it. Pretty soon everyone will be healthier, happier and a lot better-looking. As for all those weirdos who like fat women, they'll have to find another fetish.
My plan will work, I have no doubt. It's been hard to get people on board; whenever I tell someone about it they roll their eyes and slowly back away, claiming they just remembered they have to be somewhere. Still, all great ideas are met with skepticism at first, so I remain undaunted.
In a nutshell, it's just like speeding. There are posted limits on all the roads and highways in every town and city. If you go above those limits you risk being stopped by a police officer and getting a warning or a ticket. If you get a ticket you have to pay a fine. In some cases, if the infraction was severe, you'll have to appear in court to plead your case. You may get off with little more than a stern talking-to or you might even do some jail time. Either way the speeders are kept to minimum, and some of the worst lose their right to drive altogether, which in turn makes all of us even safer and cuts down on the number of dead doggies, kitties and baby deer on the side of the road.
Now think of the same approach applied to obesity. Every town, city and state will post the permissible weight for its citizens. (Actually, I think it's best for the federal government to make it a law but my husband feels that smacks of totalitarianism.) Random spot weight-checks will be conducted by officials armed with electronic devices that look like blood-pressure monitors. If you're just a few pounds over, you'll get a warning and possible a slap on the wrist, depending on the personality of the officer. But if you are found to be obese you will be fined for every pound in excess of the legal weight.
Here's how it would work. Say you're in a food court at the airport or a shopping mall and you just sat down to enjoy your meal of French fries, a bacon cheeseburger and a large soda. A member of the WCF (Weight Control Force) notices you and approaches:
WCF: Excuse me sir, but I'd like permission to weigh you.
Diner: Certainly officer, although I'm sure it's fine. (Nervous laugh.) Just a little extra holiday weight, you know?
WCF: What is your height?
Diner: About six feet. Well, more like 5'11" or so.... does that really matter? Let's say 5'10".
WCF: Please extend your right arm.
Diner: Okay, maybe I'm up a few pounds, it's just that my wife is a fantastic cook....
WCF: Sir, my electronic weight cuff shows you at 212 pounds. That's 24 pounds over the legal weight for your height in this jurisdiction. I'll have to write you a ticket.
Diner: Oh no! For how much?
WTC: Since it's your first infraction it's just two dollars per pound, so that comes to $48.00 today. You have ten weeks to lose the weight. Here's your court date. If you don't weigh in at 188 pounds on that date you will be fined again for the remaining amount, but at a higher rate. Have a nice day!
Diner: Can I still eat my lunch?
WCF: Sure, go ahead -- after all, it's your funeral. (Laughs heartily.)
And there you have it. Pretty soon everyone will be healthier, happier and a lot better-looking. As for all those weirdos who like fat women, they'll have to find another fetish.
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