Oscar Wrap-Up: Lion Didn't Win

The audience applauds Denzel Washington's dentures.

Last night, watching the Academy Awards, a.k.a. The Meryl Streep Show, for as long as I could stand it, I was stunned and somewhat appalled to see how those Hollywood actors take themselves so seriously. Inspired by Ms. Streep, that increasingly self-aggrandizing Goddess of all that is good and pure and holy, most of them seem to genuinely believe they serve mankind with their life-changing work, when really what they do is offer the moviegoer with ten bucks to spare a couple of hours of escape from the pressures and disappointments of reality. Somebody should tell them, but how?

If you missed it, here's all you need to know:

1. Every nominated-for-anything African-American, Syrian or Iranian person or film won, except for Denzel Washington who apparently got himself some new teeth for the evening which didn't quite fit, making him look like a carnival clown.

2. All the winners hugged and kissed everyone who was seated anywhere near them before rushing onstage, where they then emotionally shared how much they loved their spouses and couldn't have done it without them and how their dead parents (especially their mommies) had inspired them to enter this important field of endeavor, and how the entire team on this or that film was the best ever and they had long dreamed of this moment, while subtly inferring their love of immigrants and hatred for that dunce in the White House.

3. The winner of the (second-best) Supporting Actress statue whose name I won't mention because she's dead to me now went totally hyperbolic, proclaiming that Hollywood acting is "the only profession" that understands and "celebrates what it is it to live a life!" Oy!

4. All the women wore fancy dresses exposing a lot of thigh and breast meat, even those that would have better been left covered. All the men wore tuxedos and looked a lot better than the women.

If I sound bitter it's because I am. Lion, my favorite movie of the year, didn't win anything. What did win a ton is the sappy La La Land, about which New Yorker magazine's esteemed critic Anthony Lane had this to say: 
     "Catch the film on the largest screen you can find, with a sound system to match... Have a drink beforehand. And, whatever you do, don’t wait for a DVD or a download. The mission of this movie will be fulfilled only if it is seen by those—especially kids—who have never met a grownup musical..."

Blech.