Dumping Friends: A Tutorial

I'm wondering how my old friend Kathy is doing since she banished me from her life a couple of months ago for the sin of not hating Melania Trump. Is she happier now under the Ostrich Plan? That's my name for the practice of sticking one's head in the sand rather than standing upright and remaining open to opposing viewpoints and the occasional pie in the face. I'm hoping that getting rid of me and my annoying tendency to not hate people I've never met based on news reports from striving journalists and groveling publishers desperate to profit off "the news" has improved her elderly mother's failing health; I know she was doing poorly and Kathy was taking care of her. (Good thing her mother is not a Republican!) Or maybe her husband's handmade furniture business has picked up -- who knows what positive things could arise from telling an old friend you rarely see that they are worthless trash. After all, if you're going to dump someone and possibly hurt their feelings, it should not be for nought.

I did that once in an email to a woman I could no longer abide. My life improved tenfold by not having to make the hour-long drive to her home to play Bridge with her and her lily-livered husband (I never actually saw his liver but I'd bet the farm it's pale) and eat their ridiculously complicated and highly-salted meals. I always left there with my blood pressure skyrocketing, afraid I'd have a stroke on the drive home. Since then I found other friends who live much closer and cook much better.

By the way, ostriches do not bury their heads in the sand -- that's a myth. Occasionally they may lie down to avoid a predator since even though they're birds, they can't fly because they're just too damn big. But, according to a reputable website, "They can, however, run like the wind! Their long, powerful legs can maintain a steady speed of over 30 miles per hour, with short bursts of up to 43 miles per hour. Their wings, while useless for flight, do help them to keep their balance when they run."

Note to Kathy: The next time someone doesn't agree with you, don't stick your head in the sand, just run away. No need to announce that you're dumping them; they'll figure it out eventually.