Why I'm Not Running for President

Being president seems like a drag because: 

I would never make empty promises written by other people.

I hate getting dressed up and fixing my hair every day.

I'm used to paying my taxes every year.

I could never have anyone killed.

I have never bribed anyone for my own personal gain.

I would hate having people following me all the time.

I find constant travel silly.

I couldn't stand hanging around with all those old coots in Congress.

I would hate living in the White House.

I like cooking my own meals.

I avoid fancy parties whenever possible.

I like driving my bright red Audi.

I need a lot of down time.

I would never be a guest on any TV show.

I cannot stand Oprah Winfrey.

On the other hand:

I would kvell to have brunch with Benjamin Netanyahu.

It would be fun to meet the Pope and ask him why he dresses that way.

I could have Jackson Browne over to the house for a private concert.

I would have Louis CK open for Jackson Browne.

Flying on Air Force One seems a lot better than the middle seat in coach.

It would be fabulous to have a private movie theater in my home.

I would have high tea with David Cameron and invite Helen Mirren and Mick Jagger.

I would nuke all the countries with branches of ISIS.

I would tell Netanyahu I was planning this over that brunch.