Truth and Consequences

Honesty is not always the best policy. This is bad news for me since I suffer from truthenalia honestoliosis and, like someone with Parkinson's, have little to no control over my responses. Just today I blew a potential writing job because I told the truth. I had hooked a possible freelance gig, and after several amicable emails were exchanged, the person doing the hiring asked for my honest feedback regarding the website for which I would be writing. I said it was riddled with errors which I would be happy to fix, but in its present state the site was amateurish. He never wrote back.

This got me thinking about the whole honesty thing, and in a flash of insight I realized that honesty is for losers. No wonder I wasn't hired by L.L. Bean! When they asked me to name what I liked best about their store, I said that it was open 24 hours and I could go there if I had trouble sleeping. The other people all said things like they like the quality of the merchandise (ha) or they like the friendly return policy (it's stupid) or they appreciate the helpful sales staff (so not true).

Going out on a limb, I will state that most broken marriages would be intact if only those involved had lied more often and more convincingly. So as a public service for all you newlyweds out there, here's a bit of advice you should follow if you want to keep things together:

The following questions must always be answered with an emphatic "No!":
1. Do you think I've put on weight?
2. Should I have a facelift?
3. Is this outfit too young for me?
4. Should I take cooking lessons?
5. Are you sorry you married me?

The following questions must always be answered with a resounding "Yes!":
1. Do you still find me attractive?
2. Do you like my new haircut?
3. Did you pay that bill (mail that letter, make that appointment) I asked you to last week?
4. Did you remember to change the oil in my car?
5. Are you listening?

I have been married for 28 years, by the way.