Big Brother's Daily Missive

In case you ever feel alone, get over it because you're not. People are watching your every move and weighing your every word, so it's best to learn what's expected. In case you're out of the loop for some reason, like a recent coma, here is what you need to know today to avoid being shunned by the rest of society:

1. Homosexuality is not only perfectly fine but gays are actually a whole lot more interesting than straight people, at least according to them. When's the last time you ever heard of a Straight Pride parade? Of course they should marry and adopt children and then get divorced, as is the God-given right of everyone.

2. All members of minority groups are much more valuable than those in the majority, especially if you are running for office. Ditto poor people, especially the jobless, the homeless, and all illegal immigrants. Like Jesus, they have suffered for all of us and deserve not only our sympathy but a leg up, a handout, a Green Card, a free ride and more.

3. Regular old 100% white people suck, and in fact the older they are, the suckier they get. The only exceptions are the obese and the handicapped who are deserving of our sympathy, respect and whatever else you have to spare.

4. Republicans are scum, plain and simple.

5. Hillary Clinton is a goddess, as is daughter Chelsea Clinton, now with child and bearing the future heir to the throne, and of course Bill is the Highest Deity. Those Clintons represent the best of the best, and without being too attractive which spoils it.

6. All beautiful Hollywood starlets are sluts and pigs.

7. Being thin or trying to be is a sign of mental illness, almost as bad as trying to be rich or actually being rich.

8. Shopping is the best thing you can do to ward off the blues and stimulate the economy.

9. Reading books is for nerds, unless the book is # 1 or 2 on The New York Times best seller list, and then it is required, but only on a Kindle, preferably a Paperwhite.

10. President Obama is the greatest president we have ever had.

Okay then, get out there and mingle with confidence. And have a good day, and be sure to tell everyone you meet to have a good day too!