More Tales of Mean Cops

Imagine you are out with friends at a neighborhood tavern and you've had one beer too many. You get in your car to drive home, but realize within a few minutes that something's not right. So you pull into a parking lot of a closed business--it's after midnight-- and grab a quick nap, hoping it will sharpen your senses. A rap on the window wakes you. It's a cop, asking what you're doing there. You explain, "Officer, I did not feel well enough to drive so I'm taking a rest." The cop looks you over, sees you're drunk and calls a cab. "You better get home and sleep it off, young lady. You'll have to come back tomorrow and get your car. Sorry, but I'll have to issue you a ticket for parking illegally. Hope you feel better."

Guess what: You're dreaming! If you're in Maine, wake up and smell the handcuffs. That scene played out for a friend of mine earlier this week. Instead of helping her get home, the cop said, "I don't want to catch you driving, but you can't stay here." Then he left--or at least pretended to leave. My friend grabbed some shuteye for another 20 minutes and then, being close to home, opted to try driving again. The cop was there in an instant; he'd been waiting for her.  In fact, contrary to what he said, what he wanted more than anything was to catch her driving. Within seconds she was off to the police station for a breathalyzer test, handcuffs and all. She failed. Now, one $3,500 lawyer later, she's out on bail and is prohibited from even having a bottle of champagne in her home fridge. This will be true until her hearing, months away, when she will surely lose her driving privileges for anywhere from 30 to 90 days. On the plus side, her two young teenagers are about to get in pretty good shape from all that walking they'll be doing.

Yes, driving drunk is bad. That's why anytime a cop sees someone out doing it, he should get them home safely. For a first offense, a strong warning or stiff fine would suffice. But here in Maine, where all the cops have to do is chase moose off of people's front lawns, the sight of a stranded motorist really gets their blood pumping. The state motto should be tweaked just a teeny bit to read, "Maine: The Way Life in a Police State Should Be."