Make A New Friend: You

She is really annoyed at having to stay home and not see any of her friends.

The major thing wrong with this pandemic, besides all the deaths and horrible suffering, is being stuck at home with your inner child. Oh relax, I'm not making light of a dire situation, it's just that after all is taken from you, funny is what's left.

Anyway, for me, the major thing wrong, besides the death and suffering, is being stuck alone with the brat who shares my body. Sure, my husband is at home but he's working all day and I hardly see him more than I saw him when he was traveling around the country. And I see my friends who live locally not at all, and the ones who live far away are out of my reach until God knows when, Zoomtinis notwithstanding. So all day it's just me and my cat, and to be honest he's not much of a conversationalist. Besides, Lurch only wants me for what I can do for him: Brush his fur, feed him, clean his litter box, give him treats and be his comfy bed, and I do mean be the bed, which for me is not comfy at all. (If you have a cat you can relate.)

So I'm here with her all day and I'm not liking it. Mostly because she has stopped going to the gym and started eating out of control. And once again I must say that being fat, or at least feeling fat, sucks. Am I right? (God knows those Fat Acceptance people must suffer as much as we do with a tight waistband on a pair of jeans.) She has also stopped getting professional haircuts and so every day chops off a little more, at random and without benefit of a rear view mirror. We now have what I call the Convicted Felon Bob.

I keep telling myself: Make friends with all your parts since we have no idea how long this will last. Stop smoking, lose the weight, don't be a drunk, etc., etc. It's much more fun being in solitary confinement with someone you actually like.

Finding Meaning

I once read a quote from somebody famous who said, "Life is lived in the coincidences." (I already Googled it and couldn't find who said it so don't bother.) If that's true, I experienced one early today so I guess I'm alive.

I was out for my daily (unless it's raining or snowing) almost-three-miles walk. This being allergy season in Maine, I was extremely  sniffly the whole time. In fact, the feeling that I was about to sneeze all but ruined my ability to quiet my mind and enjoy the beautiful day. My nose itched -- a lot. I'd be sure the sneeze was coming, waited for it, and then it didn't.

I tried to ignore the feeling and pay full attention to the music coming through my headphones. Today, as always, it was the 1966 Beach Boys album, Pet Sounds. According to Wikipedia, despite its cool reception here in the U.S., in Great Britain the album soared to the top of the charts and stayed there for six months. "Pet Sounds attracted recognition for its ambitious recording and sophisticated music. It is widely considered to be among the most influential albums in the history of music."

Despite the distraction of the music, that annoying need-to-sneeze stayed with me until my walk was nearly over. Finally it came out, and it was a big one. With the sound of it still ringing in my ears, a car passed by slowly bearing the vanity plate "ACHOO."

Finding Solace with Zen

Hey, I'm as mindful as the next person. And I am also sick and tired of this Covid-19 lockdown, making me wide open to suggestions as to how to ease the pain of forced home detention. Still I found the article in today's Wall Street Journal completely insulting. "Find Your Zen in Household Chores" was obviously written either by or for morons, or possibly idiots. The graphic shown above which accompanies the article is a perfect example. Let's take a couple of their suggestions and look at them closely.

Notice your breathing while you wash the dishes. What they don't say is try not to think abut how when you're in the hospital on a ventilator your breathing will be almost nil which is why they have to hook you up to a machine in order to continue living, and that 80% of the people on ventilators will die.

While sweeping the floor, be curious about the different spots on the floor. Like hey, is that cat throw-up or is it dirt brought in from the garden? Or is it dried Chianti I spilled while swigging a bottle after hearing Dr. Anthony Fauci say the next wave of the virus coming this fall could be much worse and a vaccine will not happen, if ever, until 2021?

Wonder at how wet clothes will change in color and weight as they air dry. Hmmm -- that makes me think of how my body will turn a deadly pale and shrivel in size as I succumb to the coronavirus. (Finally I'll hit my goal weight!)

For more helpful suggestions like these we are supposed to visit mindful minutes.com, a website written by someone named Melissa Eisler. I think I won't. Instead I will watch another episode of "Bojack Horseman" on Netflix and eat a bag of potato chips. And where is that bottle of Chianti? That seems to do the trick.

Death Comes Knocking

My birthday is in a week. I hope I make it. (I don't want this cake.) 

When It Comes to Trump, Spare Me the Details

Mine is not a popular blog. It earns no money and few comments, and has but a relative handful of readers. This is because I report the truth about people -- their foibles, inconsistencies and weaknesses -- and who the heck wants to hear that, especially since you might see yourself in what I write half the time?

Those people who do make money and "go viral" or become influencers, a concept I hardly grasp  since nobody influences me but me, are the ones telling people what they want to hear. This includes two new female comics who specialize in mocking President Trump on Youtube by lip-synching his voice and making him look silly or drunk. How they find that to be a satisfying occupation is a mystery, since I work hard at never thinking about the man. I mean really, you don't have to pay the slightest attention to him, or to that moronic Twitter; it's not illegal, at least not yet.

Our current society seems to be built on mockery, especially of our leaders, and with good reason: they are a bunch of loonies. If I changed the name of this blog to "Donald Trump Sucks," chances are I'd get lots more readers and maybe even a spot on The View or CNN.

This is a sad reality for my generation since we can remember a time when, aside from Lyndon Johnson's gallbladder surgery scar, (see photo), we actually respected them. In reality, the press kept their secrets so we could go on respecting them. It was only many years after his death that I learned John F. Kennedy, my one-time hero, was a total scumbag, screwing women in the White House while telling everyone he was going to "take a nap."

Dummies at The New YorkTimes

Definition of incalculable: not able to be calculated or estimated.

The Army of the Self-Righteous

I recently wrote a blog post about how my husband takes his temperature a lot and checks his oxygen levels to make sure he doesn't have Covid-19. I titled that post "Pandemic Playthings." And would't you know it, somebody left a comment saying that  I wasn't taking the whole pandemic thing--my words -- seriously enough. That it was not a "thing" but an event of a serious nature! All I can say about that woman who I have never met is the following:

She is a Democrat
She hates Donald Trump and FOX News 
She loves CNN and Rachel Maddow
She might have a summer house in Sag Harbor
She abhors racism but has no black friends 
She gets manis and pedis from Asian girls
She supports Joe Biden for president 

I know all these things because they are the requirements for induction into The Army of the Self-Righteous, which is growing by leaps and bounds and threatens to take over our once free country. Be on the lookout for them. They don't wear uniforms, but one sure way to spot them besides a big red nose is their complete lack of a sense of humor. (Some people believe the leader of their army ordered the 2014 death of comedienne Joan Rivers, who died seven weeks after she called Obama "gay" and Michelle "a tranny.")

Loons and Lunatics

The morning paper did not arrive in time for my breakfast, so I turned to my computer for news of the day since eating with no other distraction, while healthy and advocated as the best way to achieve weight loss and avoid mindless stuffing of one's face, bores me. Focusing on the local news since I already know that the left hates Trump, a lying, psychopathic buffoon, and the right hates Biden, an aging, addled moron, I came across two local stories that elicited vastly different emotions in me.

Momma Loon takes Junior out for a swim.

The first article told of a Black Hawk eagle that was found dead with a puncture wound in its heart. Ornithologists brought in on the case determined that the bird had been killed by the beak of a Black Loon. According to a wildlife biologist at the Maine Department of Inland Fisheries and Wildlife, "Fights between eagles and loons are becoming increasingly common as the eagle population continues to grow, with eagles attacking baby, and sometimes adult loons."  My eyes filled with tears as I reflected on the random cruelty of Mother Nature.

The second story recounted an ATV accident involving a 26-year old woman riding with her 6-year-old son strapped onto the back seat. She lost control of the vehicle as she approached a bridge and slid 23 feet down into Hardy Brook in Farmington, Maine. They are both being treated at different area hospitals, with the child's injuries more serious than the mother's. This article angered me greatly, causing me to wonder how people are permitted to have children when they are clearly idiots. (I wonder who she'll vote for, if she lives. )

What to Watch (Instead of News)

By now it should be pretty clear to anyone paying close attention: The experts know nothing about Covid-19. They've studied it for months, looked at it this way and that way, and have come up with the following:

1. Wearing a face mask either prevents the spread of the disease or makes it worse.

2. Staying at home either works or doesn't work. Returning to normalcy will help our mental attitude, thus prevent more deaths such as suicides, drug ODs and heart attacks, or it will increase the spread of the coronavirus and kill more people.

3. Covid-19 enters your body mainly through your eyes, so wearing a mask that covers your nose and mouth is pointless. (See #1)

Because of all that I have given up following the news, both in print and on TV. Instead, for a little distraction I've started watching dramatic shows on Netflix, AppleTV and Amazon Prime, and my mood is greatly improved. Following are brief reviews of some I can tell you about, should you be so inclined.

Laura Linney: Not your typical mom.

Ozark
This very popular show is extremely violent, gruesome and depraved. (Also dumb and unbelievable, according to my husband.) In the opening episode, four people are shot at close range, their bodies then stuffed into oil drums full of acid for later disposal. A man is pushed from a high floor of a building and we see/hear his body hit the pavement with a loud splat. The wife (Laura Linney) is cheating on the husband (Jason Bateman), a money-launderer mixed up with evil drug lords. Their two kids -- a surly teenage daughter and a clueless 10-year-old son -- are savvy enough to hate their parents and each other. Hey, what a good time!

The Morning Show
Jennifer Aniston, Reese Witherspoon and Steve Carrell act out what happened a few years ago when it was discovered that Matt Lauer, the star of morning news on TV, was a sexual predator. An inside look at the way TV works, a dog-eat-dog world where everyone is nasty and anger rules the day. (You can tell by how many times everyone says "Fuck this" and "Fuck that" and "Fuck you.") Great visuals of New York City and ultra-fabulous homes inhabited by the extremely rich news anchors make it fun to watch. Also, Aniston gives a great performance wherein she is finally not just a pretty face, and Witherspoon shows off her new one that she got from a plastic surgeon.

Killing Eve
The fabulous Sandra Oh could just sit and stare at the camera for an hour and it would be mesmerizing. Here she does a lot more as a secret agent hunting down an assassin who works for a hidden international organization. While there is always one death per episode, it is accomplished with such style and flair by the beautiful psychopathic killer (Jodie Comer) that you don't mind it too much. There is also an undertone of sexual tension between those two women, making it appealing to sex fiends and the LGBTQ community.

Bojack Horseman

Bojack Horseman: Not your typical guy.

While I have yet to see one episode, my son, who is very smart and has a great sense of humor, tells me in no uncertain terms that this is the best series now on TV. The critics seem to agree, so it is next in my lineup. The main character is a cartoon horse who lives his life as a man. (Don't ask me.)

Grace and Frankie
Funny, funny, funny, and fun. How can you go wrong with Jane Fonda and Lily Tomlin as best friends whose longtime husbands (Martin Sheen, Sam Waterston) left them for each other? Featuring extremely rich people living on the beach in California, it's always nice to look at. And it's very racially diverse, with black adopted children and mixed marriages and love relationships all over the place.

Pandemic Playthings

Mitch's favorite new toys.

When this whole pandemic thing started, my husband began walking around with a thermometer in his pocket, enabling him to check his temperature whenever he was feeling "covish." I found this behavior neurotic, but since I've (rightfully) earned the title of "Most Neurotic" in our marriage I conceded that Mitch was just being cautious. I've gotten used to his random announcements of "98.6" and "97.8" -- in these troubled times, what makes him happy makes me happy.

But now things are worse, since he got something called a Pulse Oximeter -- not to be confused with a Flux Capacitor -- thanks to the suggestion of our dear friend Teresa, a nurse practitioner who I love madly but wish she had kept her mouth shut. That little thing they stick on your finger at the doctor's office measures how much oxygen you are getting, or something like that. ("Measure your SpO2 and pulse right in the privacy of your own home!")

Now Mitch does it all the time, and by that I mean all the time, despite the instructions advising not to repeat a reading within two hours. The number on the screen should flash between 95 and 100 in a healthy person. Yesterday Mitch got a 94 which immediately dropped precipitously to a 93. By 91 he was ready to call an ambulance. This morning, thank God, he was happy with a solid 98. But he checked it again and it started to slip downward, causing him some amount of consternation. Now I'm thinking of calling an ambulance for myself, just to get out of here.

Buy American!

Almost a month ago I ordered 50 medical masks listed on Amazon.com from a company called Drtpi that I believed to be legitimate, even though they were not operating here in America. ("Drtpi is committed to providing each customer with the highest standard of customer service.") Hey, I'm no racist! I love immigrants! I trust immigrants! All four of my grandparents were immigrants! Anyway, I entered my credit card information and address and waited ... and waited. In fact, I'm still waiting.

Good thing I wasn't holding my breath. My order never arrived, and according to Amazon, I cannot get a refund until I contact the seller. But when I tried to do just that, online of course, my query went into the ether, or whatever it's called. Meanwhile, my husband ordered masks (and gloves and hand sanitizer and some other stuff) from a seller in Florida just three days ago and it all arrived today.

Discuss.