Rhymes with Wolfgang Puck

Oh my God--you can no longer say "moron" on Yahoo! You can say dummy, idiot, stupid sap and dunce, but morons are now apparently a protected group. Which is a shame, because now that old joke won't work anymore:
Q: How did the moron get his name?
A: He tried to board a crowded bus and the driver said, "Sorry, no more on."

I found that out when I posted a comment in response to an article, wherein I called Obama's campaign staff "a bunch of morons," and it appeared as "a bunch of %$?#*!." I called them %$?#*! because of their latest political ad, which goes forward with the Romney-Big Bird thing, like that matters. This is what they are doing with the millions in donations they solicit from the suffering middle-class voters who allegedly don't have a pot to pee in? Oy-fucking-vay.

A few nights ago, out in Hollywood, a gaggle of rich celebrities paid $25,000 each to dine with the president and George Clooney at a fancy new restaurant owned by Wolfgang Puck. One can assume that lots of money came in, which resulted in that new Big Bird TV ad. Well, I would like to go on record as saying that I have had some of Wolfgang's soup, which is for sale in every supermarket, and it sucks!  I sure hope those %$?#*! did not have to eat any of that soup. (I wonder, can I say suck?)

Words With Goys

The popular online word game called Words With Friends has me in its clutches. I play fervently, daily, obsessively and to win, much to the dismay of my husband who says I need professional help. "Ha, you should talk," I tell him, "with your 50 burpees a day and your squats and leg lifts and whey protein shakes and your Paleo this and Paleo that!" That shuts him up pretty good. Anyway, there are so many worse addictions one could have, I consider myself lucky that this is mine. But that's besides the point--what I want to discuss is the hidden censor inside my computer who decided what words are acceptable and what words are verboten.

If I could meet that censor, I would punch him or her in the face. He/she has decided that these words are acceptable: hebe, yid and wop. On the other hand, these words are unacceptable and are rejected by the game: fag, slut and fop. Suspecting something was amiss, I looked everything up in the dictionary and found the following definitions:
1. Hebe: a Jew (Slang; disparaging and offensive)
2. Yid: a Jew (Slang; disparaging and offensive)
3. Wop: a member of a Latin people, especially an Italian (Slang; derogatory)
4. Fag: to fray or untie a rope; to tire or weary by labor; faggot (Slang; derogatory)
5. Slut: an immoral or dissolute woman; a prostitute
6. Fop: dandy; swell; dude

Speaking as a member of the Jewish faith, I feel the word police over at Words With Friends headquarters are unfairly slanted in favor of whores and gays and against kikes and guineas. Am I wrong?

Treating Kids Better on Halloween

Don't leave me alone with these....

It's almost Halloween again, and here's something really scary: Americans spend almost $2 billion each year on Halloween candy. (Consider that--then consider the starving children you see in those late-night TV commercials for Christian charities.) And it's not just children who eat the stuff, as we all know too well. The parents--at least all the ones I've ever known--wait for the kids to go to bed, then attack those treat bags in search of their favorites. (My own son eventually smartened up and hid his stash from us.) The holiday ushers in a corn syrup frenzy lasting many days--weeks even-- depending on the generosity and income of the neighborhood where your kid went scavenging.

Everyone knows that Halloween candy is bad news, especially if you love black Twizzlers and Licorice Allsorts like me. Last year the FDA warned that, "for people 40 or older, eating two ounces of black licorice a day for about two weeks could land you in the hospital with an irregular heart rhythm (arrhythmia).” It's a wonder I am still alive.

This year, before you bring home all those giant bags of "fun-sized" candy bars to hand out to the innocents who do not yet have heart disease, diabetes, cancer and high cholesterol, consider this:
1. Candy has no nutritional value. None. Not any.
2. Take a look around and see all the fat kids. Obese youth are more likely to have risk factors for cardiovascular disease, including high cholesterol or high blood pressure. In a 2011 population-based sample of 5- to 17-year-olds, 70% of obese youth had at least one risk factor for cardiovascular disease.
3. The tons and tons of non-recyclable packaging for all that candy are good for nobody, except maybe your private garbage hauler. (Ours charges almost $30 each month.)
4. What's Halloween for again?

This year I am handing out pretzels and raisins, since they are also available pre-packaged and ready to go. Then when nobody shows up, which happens here in rural Maine, but still you never know and so you buy the stuff anyway, I won't be alone with all the leftovers.

Film Review: ARBITRAGE

Are Richard Gere's eyes shrinking?

If you avoid the candy counter and go straight to your seat, a night out at the movies can be a positive experience, even when it's a bad movie. In fact, in recent years I have found that the worse the film, the more fun it is. Also--and this is no small thing considering the cost at the box office these days-- if you choose carefully, many movies can be quite educational. Last night I learned a ton watching a new one called Arbitrage.

Even though it was a drama, the most serious thing about it was its title. Not being wise in the ways of high finance, "arbitrage" was a new word for me; I had to look it up, and still have my husband explain it to me. Even after seeing the movie I'm not 100% clear on what it means. That is quite a word, and a bold title choice for a film that hopes to wrangle in audiences given to utterances like "lol," "my bad," and "chill."

So right away, before it even started, I had learned something. I also learned that Susan Sarandon has had a facelift but looked better before, the aging Richard Gere is still handsome despite his eyes disappearing into his face, and it's never a good idea to drive when you are tired. Here are some other interesting things to watch for:

1. The protagonist suffers a terrible injury and is apparently bleeding internally, causing him intense facial grimacing and abdominal swelling. It's really, really, really painful at first, then the next day it still hurts him a lot and he still grimaces when nobody is looking but is simply too damn busy earning a living to seek medical care. By the third day it's totally gone and neither you nor he ever thinks about it again. Teachable moment: If you hurt yourself really bad, just ignore it.

2. The three-story crystal chandelier in the rich guy's house is a real scene-stealer. You'll know it when you see it, again and again and again. It truly sparkles, and you'll miss some key dialog lost in thought about how they clean that thing.

3. If you are into politics, you won't be disappointed. The only decent, trustworthy, honest and admirable person in this whole sordid tale of money and greed among horribly rich white folks (think Romney) is an African American from the 'hood (think Obama). There is also a sympathetic character of Hispanic heritage, but she's not around for very long.

4. Never trust a New York City cop! They do crazy things to catch their prey.

5. Even though billions and billions of dollars are at stake and hundreds of lives hang in the balance, all men really care about is getting laid.

What's So Great About Big Bird?

For some reason I cannot explain, many Republicans are embarrassed to admit their true feelings. I am one of them, and until last week's debate I too was shy about admitting my heartfelt endorsement of Romney. But now I can come out in the open and proclaim to the world, or at least the few people who read this blog: I love Mitt! He's a smart and experienced family man with stunning capabilities in many areas. The only skeleton in his closet is Bain Capital, where his "sin" was fulfilling his promise to those investors who gave him their money so he could earn them profits. He's handsome and quick-witted, with a wry sense of humor. What's not to love?

My hesitancy stems from the fact that most of my friends are unblinking devotees of the Democratic party, and thus I fear that they will A, like me less or B, feel  personally attacked when I say that Obama is little more than a silly fool. But now that the world saw that fool onstage--it is reported that 70 million people witnessed him stumbling and bumbling without an original thought in his head--I can stand proud and walk tall. I can say to my friends, hey, what the heck is wrong with you? How can you sign on for another four years of this guy? How are things going around here? What do you like about him?

Yesterday one such friend, who does read this blog and so she will know I mean her, and she will also know that I love her anyway, confessed that among other reasons she dislikes the way Romney parts his hair. When I pushed for more, she said she does not like the whole "Republican agenda."  If by that she means less government intrusion into my life, and less government spending on frivolities--like the millions on PBS so we can have Big Bird flouncing around delighting 2-year-olds, then guess what: I do.

A Report Card for America

"Surf Study" by Rufus Coes

It's odd that the relative health of our nation is continually measured by such standards as the number of housing starts, the rate of unemployment and the amount of retail sales at malls across America. Are those indicators really the best way to determine the success or failure of a society?

Today President Obama, eager to erase his dismal debate performance of two nights ago from 67 million minds, is celebrating a dip in the number of jobless since last month. (Never mind the fact that it's partly due to many people giving up looking for work, since fudging the truth is de riguer for politicians, whatever their party affiliation.) What he doesn't say is that the incidence of suicide has risen steadily since 2008, just about the start of his administration. What he also doesn't say is that obesity among adults and children continues to increase, leading some experts to suggest that by 2050, an enormous percentage of Americans — perhaps approaching 100% — will be overweight or obese. What about heart disease and diabetes since Obama took office--up or down? How many children have been abducted, how many random shooting sprees have killed how many people? When will those facts be discussed by our esteemed Leader of the Free World? Seems to me the health of any nation should be determined by the mental and physical health of its citizens, not by how much money they take in or shell out.

Nevertheless, in the interest of stimulating the economy and making one particular artist happier and one gallery owner that much closer to meeting her monthly expenses, my husband and I have done our part by purchasing the beautiful painting shown above. It's not fattening, yet quite delicious.

It's Awfully High in Here

I pity the Democrats. There are exceptions of course, like Patsy and Tony and Dagmar and Bob and Jackie and Keith and Randy and Debra and Martha and Diane, but basically the rest of them are nothing short of insane. They have invented a Harry Potter-esque fantasy world concerning the Republicans and Mitt Romney, and despite what the Republicans and Mitt Romney say about how they really feel and what they really think, the Democrats stubbornly believe their own stories. 

For example: Al Gore thinks Obama performed so poorly in the first presidential debate because of the altitude in Denver. That's it, it was altitude sickness....of course! And that sneaky Mitt Romney got himself to Denver much earlier than Obama, who only arrived a few hours before the debate, and so did not have the altitude sickness. Well I would like to go on record as saying that I want a president who knows ahead of time that he might have to become acclimated to the altitude where he is going and thus gives himself plenty of time to adjust to it, especially since 67 million people will be watching him on TV and his re-election hangs in the balance.

Is that wrong?

And the Winner Is....

President Romney. Sorta has a nice ring to it, don't you think? Really, his victory in the the presidential debate tonight was so obvious that even the Obama groupies at CNN were conceding that the president was just not up to his game, while over at MSNBC, Rachel Maddow was whining that the formerly bland and boring Republican was "testy" and a tad too aggressive.

What we all saw quite clearly--at least those of us with open eyes and minds--was one man who wants to get inside that Oval Office to get stuff done, and another man who wants to stay there to get more stuff. The former was bubbling over with ideas and specifics to solve our country's problems, while the latter, like Old Faithful, spewed the same old hot air, only for some reason his eruptions didn't shoot up into the atmosphere quite as high as in the past. As for those voters with their eyes squeezed shut and their minds made up, clinging to the comfy status quo for dear life, they missed out on a very cool sight: the real Romney, finally desperate enough to drop all pretense and just be the man he is.

There's Never a Cop When You Need One

We are speeding along on the Massachusetts Turnpike, which naturally is chock full of those so-called "massholes," a term coined specifically for people from Massachusetts when they are behind the wheel of a car. Right now I am not driving, obviously, but I was a few minutes ago and I had one of them behind me. There was a truck on my right, I was in the left lane of a two-lane highway going 79 mph on a road marked with a speed limit of 65. I think that's fast enough, don't you? After all, this is not Italy. Yet the driver of the Jeep behind me felt 79 was too slow. He had to get right up on my bumper and make my life a living hell because he wanted to be ahead of me, like somehow that would help him. Of course I could not go anywhere until I cleared the truck to my right. Anyway, I finally was able to move over and the Jeep sped by and got up on the bumper of the next guy ahead of him.

People who tailgate should be dealt with severely. I believe that flipping them the finger is inadequate punishment. I did that as he passed by, but it seemed to have no effect on his behavior. Tailgaters are among the worst of society's ills. Texters are bad too, and in fact I am sitting next to one of those right now, although he denies it whenever I suspect he's doing it and says he is merely adjusting the volume on his iPhone. I say if you take your eyes off the road when you are driving really fast on a foggy, rainy superhighway, it doesn't matter what you call it--it's just plain dumb.

Be Kind to (Almost) Everyone Month

I have always regarded October as the reason to endure the slings and arrows inherent in the other eleven months. October is beautiful to look at, wonderful to experience, not too hot and not too cold, covered in golden leaves and falling acorns, and the leading edge to all those fun holidays like Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah and New Year's.  Now someone has gone and messed it up by proclaiming wondrous, spectacular October as National Anti-Bullying Month! Sadly, I just found this out today. Here we are, already three days into the month and I am guilty of bullying: I have repeatedly laughed at my husband for doing his required 48 burpees--don't ask--a day, to remain in good standing with his fellow CrossFit cult members. I have called him a child, an adolescent and some other things I will not print here. (I'm so ashamed.)

On the plus side, I have not called anyone fat or ugly or gay or stupid or lame or a jackass--well, maybe that last one--and so my slate is still relatively clean for this month. I will try my hardest to keep this up, but with the political debate airing on TV tonight between the two presidential candidates, I'm a little nervous that I might have to say some pretty mean stuff about that haughty-for-no-good-reason Rachel Maddow and the always-insane Chris Matthews, and all those dunderheads at CNN like that moron Wolf Blitzer and pretty-boy Anderson Cooper tomorrow. Do they count, I wonder? They couldn't possibly.

Not About Bob Dylan and Yoko Ono

Yesterday I witnessed one of those mini-dramas that take place in public between people you don't know. If I were watching TV, any loose ends would be neatly tied up after a few more commercial breaks and I could forget about it, but since it was real life, all I can do is wonder what the heck happened.

My husband and I had gone to the train station in Rhinecliff, New York to meet an arriving friend. We went early because the station sits right on the Hudson River and we wanted some time to take pictures and enjoy the view. As I was snapping away, a man and woman descended onto the platform who caught my eye, mostly because he sort of looked like Bob Dylan, only taller, and she sort of looked like Yoko Ono with longer hair, at least to a struggling filmmaker who couldn't afford any better than grade-B actors. (See photo above.) They passed close by me and I overheard the woman say to her companion, "Well, at least it's only a temporary inconvenience." I then wandered off to look at the river.

About ten minutes later I saw them again. Not-Bob seemed to be hunting around in his suitcase. Then he stood up, turned towards me and looked straight into my camera lens as I snapped a photo, not intentionally of him but of the crowd of waiting passengers who had by then gathered. I thought nothing of it, until he and Not-Yoko hurried past me and went to the elevator, waited a few seconds and then got in and left the train station.

I wanted to shout, "Wait up! Where are you going?" Had they forgotten something important at home? Or--less likely but more exciting--were they fugitives who saw me take their photo and then decided not to board that particular train? Something happened, that's for sure, and inquiring minds want to know! If they were actually Bob Dylan and Yoko Ono, this would be all over the Huffington Post today and I might even snag a few bucks for my pictures. Alas, not.