Why I Never Listen to NPR

On NPR's "Fresh Air,"  a show I have never seen or heard, Bill Burr, a comedian I have never seen or heard, mocked Elon Musk as a "guy with dyed hair plugs and a laminated face" who "makes a bad car and has an obsolete social media platform." He also asked why liberals are "so afraid of this neo-Nazi who can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag."

Okay, let's examine Mr. Burr's comments one by one:

1. Dyed hair plugs: I have never accompanied Mr. Musk to his barber so the state of his hair follicles remains a complete mystery to me, unlike Joe Biden's hair plugs who everyone knew about and led to departed radio personality Rush Limbaugh calling him "Plugs." If indeed Musk does have hair plugs and does dye them, how is this a character flaw?

2. Laminated face: The definition of laminated is "composed of layers bonded together." What does that even mean? That Musk has layers of skin applied to his own skin? What? I'm confused.

3. Bad car: Here is a review of Musk's car from a real-life driver named Julie who posted her sentiments on a Consumer Affairs website: "I did it! I traded my 2001 Toyota Corolla for a 2024 Tesla Y! The drivability is off the chart! It’s a one pedal driving. You don’t use the brake! When you lift off the accelerator it starts slowing the car down to a complete stop at a stoplight. The Torque is off this chart. You don’t know what real Torque is until you drive a Tesla. It makes driving way easier. I’m a person who is not good with driving cars that I'm not familiar with. When I drove this car it was a natural fit for me. This car is very intuitive and user friendly! Tesla made it really easy to buy through the app. I also purchased Tesla insurance. It's way cheaper. I’m in awe of the Tesla experience!"

4. Obsolete social media platfrom: "In early 2025, X (formerly Twitter) boasts an estimated 650 million monthly active users. For those curious about how many users are on X daily, the figures range from 240 to 300 million."

5. Neo-Nazi: Musk has repeatedly called the suggestion that he’s an antisemite absurd. “My entire life story is, in fact, pro-semitic," he told one interviewer. Though he is not from a Jewish family, he loves telling people that his first name means "oak" in Hebrew and that he attended Rachel Spiro Hebrew Kindergarten, a Jewish preschool in Pretoria, South Africa. His father took him to Israel when he was 13 and he’s hiked Masada twice. He has taken several of his own children to visit Auschwitz.

6. Can't fight his way out of a wet paper bag: This is perhaps the stalest and dumbest of all stale, dumb insults that means absolutely nothing. How big is that paper bag and why is it wet anyway?