FILM REVIEW: War for the Planet of the Apes

Human girl on back of ape named Maurice. Huh?

As a fan of all previous ape movies, starting with every version of my favorite film of all time, King Kong, and including Mighty Joe Young and the first two in this series, I have become something of an expert in the genre. So I feel quite confident in saying that this particular ape movie sucks out loud. Somehow it got wildly positive reviews from respected film critics and Woody Harrelson to star. And as a fan of Woody Harrelson, I can say, again with confidence, that he also sucks out loud in his role as Marlon Brando playing Colonel Kurtz in Apocalypse Now.

Here's the movie: Apes and humans are at war. Humans want to kill all apes. So naturally apes want to kill humans. But deep down, apes are kind. They have big hearts. They adopt human girl they find cowering in shack after they killed her daddy. Now she all alone. Humans all bad and sadistic, except girl. She nice.

Head ape is Caesar, played by human actor Andy Cerkis with apologies to Jesus Christ. Caesar is good leader. Captured by bad humans, he is strung up on a cross, in case you missed the Christ angle. Some apes speak English, only can't say articles so talk like this. Or else just grunt and breathe heavy, with subtitles. Caesar has best friend, ape name Maurice. Excuse me -- an orangutan named Maurice? 

Unless you are waiting out a rainstorm or hiding from the police, War for the Planet of the Apes is a total waste of time. The one bright spot is the incredibly beautiful scenery; otherwise it has no redeeming qualities. It's a real dog. Woof. I kept wanting to leave, but stayed out of a perverse need to see if it got worse. It did, so I was glad I stayed.

Leaving the theater, Mitch turned to me and said, a note of exasperation in his voice, "I guess from now on I'll have to take a larger role in deciding what movies we see."