2 E-Z Steps to a Skinnier U

One of my favorite pastimes is keeping an eye on the new diets that come out, each with a set of complicated rules and regulations about how to lose weight. This is silly since if any of them worked there would be only that one and no new ones, and there would be no more obesity epidemic. Alas, that has not happened and so the books keep on coming. I just read about a new diet plan that costs $1,000 to join. (Wow, that's a whole lot of Oreos!) What you get is a daily video from an attractive coach yelling stridently about how to keep your mouth shut, which is apparently what it takes to stay focused on your goal. Their food plan, called Bright Line Eating, is based on four rules, the so-called "bright lines" of the program:

 No Sugar

No Flour

Three Meals A Day (no snacking)

Weigh and Measure All Foods

There's a snazzy website and lots of quizzes to take to see if you are addicted to eating or if you are ready to lose weight, like you need a quiz to answer those questions. The head honcho of the program is a "Doctor" so right away you know she is an expert on many things. She also says she once had a weight problem but now it's gone because she knocked it out of the park with her simple four-step plan. Well guess what: I have a two-step plan and it's really easy to follow. No weighing or measuring, and you can eat all day if you follow my rules. I call it 2 E-Z Steps to a Skinnier U, and it's a cinch. There are just two rules:

 Don't Eat Bad Food 

 Don't Eat Too Much Good Food

To get you started, below is my handy list of Bad Foods to eliminate from your diet immediately! (Keep it on your fridge if it's big enough.) If a food is not on the list that means you can eat it, but not too much. The experts here at 2 E-Z Steps, none of whom are doctors (actually it's just me), have developed an easy mantra to help you remember the rules: "The less food I eat, the more weight I will lose." Just repeat this 1,000 times each day, especially at birthday parties, office retirement parties, weddings, holiday dinners, and all celebrations involving vast amounts of calorie-laden foods, which is to say all celebrations, or even just a simple dinner party or evening out with friends.

Ring Dings

Devil Dogs

Twinkies

Brie

Camembert
all soft cheeses
pecan pie

all pies
French fries

potato chips

sour cream dips
ice cream

gelato
movie theater popcorn
movie theater candy
cheesecake

all cakes

marshmallows

Mallomars

Cheez-Its

Cheetos

stuffing
candied yams
corn on the cob
Rolos

M & Ms

Swedish Fish

Twizzlers

baklava

tiramisu

cannoli
malteds

flan
risotto
mashed potatoes
fried dough
fried seafood
fried chicken
molasses
chewing gum
candy bars

cotton candy

Girl Scout cookies

funnel cake
all cookies
sugar
whipped cream
sweetened cereals

donuts

lollipops

cinnamon buns

Auntie Anne's pretzels

candied apples

brownies

blondies
corn dogs
bologna

fried onion rings

poutine

mousse

all puddings

 Campbell's Soups 

fajitas
burritos
Pop-tarts

French toast

Ritz crackers

all crackers
home fries
pancakes

syrups

bagels

blooming onions
batter-fried anything
frozen pizzas
frozen dinners
Tater Tots
muffins

ketchup

jams
 jellies
 preserves

sweetened soda
sweetened applesauce

Starbucks Frappucinos

fast-food cheeseburgers
Chinese take-out

restaurant Indian food
macaroni & cheese

peanut butter
 beer
whiskey

Jello
store-bought fruit juice 
Planter's dry-roasted peanuts

fettucini Alfredo
creamed soups