Forget Hell, Just Go to Starbucks

I have long suspected, like many other observant people, that where we all live right now is actually Hell. The evidence is everywhere; just look around. Read the newspaper, or take a stroll through the pediatric cancer ward at a nearby hospital. But if you still can't appreciate the gargantuan scope of the horrors strangling joy out of our daily lives, just walk into a Starbucks and check out what they are now cramming down the throats of the unsuspecting cretins waiting on long lines for their "coffee."

The latest offering of Satan, Inc. is called The Unicorn Frappuccino, a gooey, sticky, sweet and sour, pink and purple mess of liquid sugar and dairy product topped with whipped cream and even more sugar, only sparkly; Starbucks says those are "fairy powders." Besides all the "magic, rainbows, and smiles," the instantly in-demand drink contains mostly sugar and 410 calories with not even a hint of coffee in it.

Customers are clamoring for the limited-edition Unicorn Frappuccino because it changes colors while you drink it. What fun! Especially for grown-ups, who have damaged their God-given once-perfect brains playing video games and snorting meth. As for price, "Magic can be yours for under $5," say the Devil's reps, which of course means they cost $4.95.