The Republicans are desperately seeking a candidate to replace Donald Trump as the likely nominee at their upcoming convention. For some reason they have not noticed that Governor of Ohio John Kasich, a seasoned politician with a fabulous record of accomplishment is right under their noses, so they are casting about wildly, picking through past losers like Rick Perry and former senators with cancer like Tom Coburn. They need a fresh face, but whose?
Despite my reticence, my desire for seclusion, my occasional marijuana use and my dislike of politics, I have decided to offer myself as that candidate, seeing as how I have the perfect plan to save our country. My slogan will be "Make America Greater Than Ever Before," which I will have printed on baseball caps and dropped from blimps fling above all the major US cities. Following are the key pieces of my platform:
1. My running mate will be that black guy in the Liberty Mutual car insurance commercial, the one with the perfect driving record until he "clipped a food truck and ruined his perfect record." I love that guy.
2. There will be jobs for everyone at the minimum wage of $20.00 an hour, not including freelance writers who will still earn between $.04 and $.07 cents per word.
3. Everyone who wants it will have as much health care as they can stand, at no charge.
4. College will be free for everyone. All students will have to pay for their own beer unless it causes undue hardship, then they can apply for Alcohol Assistance during finals week.
5. All teachers, including the incompetent, will have their jobs for life.
6. I will appoint Oprah Winfrey as the next Supreme Court justice, making history as she will be the first one to also act as spokesperson for a popular weight-loss program.
7. The evil banks on Wall Street and all the rich people who live in Palm Beach and New York City will pay for a giant wall surrounding the entire nation. (After all, you can't be too careful.) The wall will be built by the artist Christo, made out of whatever materials he deems appropriate.
8. I will finally bring peace to the the Middle East with a bold move. Arabs and Israelis alike will be invited to a State Dinner every Friday night. The menu will alternate: one week brisket, challah, roast potatoes and chocolate babka, the next lamb curry, naan, rice and baklava, and so on. Entertainment will be provided by Bernie Sanders doing stand-up.
9. In an end to blatant racism, during my administration the mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will be re-painted and called the Black House.
10. On my first day in office I promise to make all abortions free, as well as all transgender surgeries, plastic surgeries and teeth whitening.
11. Donald Trump and his family, the Clintons including Chelsea, the entire FOX News team and everyone employed by CNN and MSNBC will be forever exiled to the Hamptons where they will be free to hob-nob to their heart's content and interview each other. Who knows, maybe someone can find out what happened to reporter John King's arm.
12. The war on drugs will end after all addicts are forced to watch non-stop re-runs of Gilligan's Island, Mr. Ed, The Beverly Hillbillies and The Andy Griffith Show until they quit.
13. Nobody will pay any taxes except rich people. (They know who they are.)
14. No guns allowed anywhere. The police will be armed with cans of Silly String and learn how to use it to stop criminals in their tracks.
Despite my reticence, my desire for seclusion, my occasional marijuana use and my dislike of politics, I have decided to offer myself as that candidate, seeing as how I have the perfect plan to save our country. My slogan will be "Make America Greater Than Ever Before," which I will have printed on baseball caps and dropped from blimps fling above all the major US cities. Following are the key pieces of my platform:
1. My running mate will be that black guy in the Liberty Mutual car insurance commercial, the one with the perfect driving record until he "clipped a food truck and ruined his perfect record." I love that guy.
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| The new VP, and she could be something too. |
3. Everyone who wants it will have as much health care as they can stand, at no charge.
4. College will be free for everyone. All students will have to pay for their own beer unless it causes undue hardship, then they can apply for Alcohol Assistance during finals week.
5. All teachers, including the incompetent, will have their jobs for life.
6. I will appoint Oprah Winfrey as the next Supreme Court justice, making history as she will be the first one to also act as spokesperson for a popular weight-loss program.
7. The evil banks on Wall Street and all the rich people who live in Palm Beach and New York City will pay for a giant wall surrounding the entire nation. (After all, you can't be too careful.) The wall will be built by the artist Christo, made out of whatever materials he deems appropriate.
8. I will finally bring peace to the the Middle East with a bold move. Arabs and Israelis alike will be invited to a State Dinner every Friday night. The menu will alternate: one week brisket, challah, roast potatoes and chocolate babka, the next lamb curry, naan, rice and baklava, and so on. Entertainment will be provided by Bernie Sanders doing stand-up.
9. In an end to blatant racism, during my administration the mansion at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue will be re-painted and called the Black House.
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| The Black House will show less dirt, that's for sure. |
11. Donald Trump and his family, the Clintons including Chelsea, the entire FOX News team and everyone employed by CNN and MSNBC will be forever exiled to the Hamptons where they will be free to hob-nob to their heart's content and interview each other. Who knows, maybe someone can find out what happened to reporter John King's arm.
12. The war on drugs will end after all addicts are forced to watch non-stop re-runs of Gilligan's Island, Mr. Ed, The Beverly Hillbillies and The Andy Griffith Show until they quit.
13. Nobody will pay any taxes except rich people. (They know who they are.)
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| Silly String doesn't kill, although it will embarrass. |
Got my vote. Yepper. That's a platform I can really get behind. ;)
ReplyDelete--Tedinski
Can I contribute to your csmpaogn? Yours is a message that needs to be heard
ReplyDelete