That Old Mean Rivers

Joan Rivers at 79.

Navigating the social media seas can be tricky, but not if you know the rules. In order to have total strangers love you on Twitter and Facebook, there are a few basics you need to get down:

1. Fat people are always loved a ton, no pun intended, much more than thin women with fabulous figures or men with hunky physiques. If you want a lot of friends, just complain pitifully about your genetic glandular condition that keeps you eating chocolate chip cookies or prevents you from moving your butt.

2. Hate whoever everyone else seems to hate right now. Today it's Joan Rivers, for some silly joke she made on TV about those kidnapped women living rent free for ten years.  She's a comedienne for chrissake; her job is to be outrageous and say things you wouldn't, but now she is seen as Hitler.  If you call her "an old bag" in your status today you will get lots of extra Likes, and maybe even a few new friend requests.

3. Being handicapped helps, so if you have a debilitating disease or are limited or challenged in any way, make sure everyone knows about it.

4. Committing suicide is a great way to get lots of online love. My friend who shot herself almost two years ago still has a Facebook page, and people always write on it that they love her and miss her, yet not one of them kept her from feeling so alone that she chose to end her life. Go figure. This of course is a last resort and one that I am not recommending, mostly because you won't be here to reap the rewards.