Here a Snip, There a Snip

Swoosie with her new breasts and face.

The fine actress Swoosie Kurtz, who I personally adored in every role she has ever played so don't think this is a hate speech, is apparently trying to revitalize her flagging career. She is after all 69, and so by all rights nobody should be expected to look at her ever again. But, not ready to climb up onto her ice floe just yet, instead she has written a new memoir and is now doing the interview circuit. One of the things she has dredged up from her past, like 40 years ago, is the fact that she had an abortion. It was terrible for her. In fact, she said it was "the most agonizing thing" she ever went through in her whole life!

Well I too had an abortion a long time ago and it wasn't hard at all. I was asleep for the entire seven minutes of the procedure, and when I woke up they gave me orange juice and Chips Ahoy, and I went home and rested for a few hours in front of the TV.  As for the emotional side of things, that also was not hard since the decision was a no-brainer and a fairly obvious solution at the time. (Abortion is not always a heartbreak, which explains why millions of women clamor for it to remain legal and use it as a form of birth control.)

The funny thing about Swoosie is that she found that abortion so difficult, but she has not found it difficult to have a nose job, two new breasts inserted into her body made out of God-knows-what, and a facelift wherein they peel off your skin, hang it on a little stand while they cut away fat and muscles from your face, then slap your skin back on, trim it so it fits, and sew it back on, trying to hide the stitches. Then your face is numb for months, perhaps years, and you might end up looking bad too. Also, your breasts could explode.

Call me madcap, but that all seems way harder than terminating an unwanted pregnancy the size of a tadpole.