The Stupid Internet's Stupid Stories

I'm not sure how it happens, but average people who do ordinary things of little interest show up in the news all the time. I rarely click on stories that begin, "Man accidentally kills wife with blender," but it's amusing to imagine the plight of the editors charged with finding these stories and blowing them up out of all proportion. This recent incident from my own life is of no importance whatsoever to anyone--even me--but since I can, I post it here for no good reason in that nutty, Huffington Post style:

Bored Cat Plots Owner's Death
In a stealthy act of pure selfishness, a formerly loving domestic short-haired tabby sought revenge for her 18 years of captivity. Known simply as "Daisy," the animal woke up her devoted owner at four in the morning with piercing cries of distress. Fearing the cat had been caught in some sort of trap (there are none in the home) or perhaps was being eaten by a wild animal (also impossible), the myopic woman rushed from her deep slumber to rescue the once-adored pet. In her haste she neglected to put on her glasses, and instead blindly ran toward the deranged shrieking. Her myopia exacerbated by the total darkness, she missed the last step and fell backwards onto the stairs, bruising her body painfully in several places. Daisy finally shut the hell up as the woman burst into tears, struggled to her feet, and limped back to bed. The cat was fine--she just wanted some treats.