Bagels for Goyim

A bialy trumps a bagel every time.

Jews are disappearing and soon they will be gone from the planet--except maybe that bunch in Israel--or so says an article in The Week. Apparently, "young American Jews are marrying at an astonishing rate and no longer practicing Judaism." It goes on to quote percentages and ages and blah, blah, blah, but the bottom line is that the Jews are facing "a dismal future."

This will be good news for some, as it's no secret that certain people actually dislike Jews, God knows why. I'm not too worried though, since the article was full of mistakes. One that jumped out at me was the idea that you can be a "cultural Jew if you like Seinfeld and bagels, even if you ignore the practice of the religion." This is something I take issue with since there is so much more to being Jewish! Bagels are the tip of the iceberg, and pretty much the domain of non-Jews anyway since Harry Lender and his evil son Murray invented the pre-sliced, frozen bagel in the 1960's. This was followed by other abominations like the blueberry bagel, the chocolate-chip bagel and the cinnamon-raisin bagel in the late 20th century, after which all hell broke loose. Pretty soon, fluffy round things shaped to look like bagels were being sold in supermarkets and even at McDonalds, which if you ask me is a shonda for the goyim. Besides, any real Jew wants a bialy.

And if for some reason you want to know for sure what you've got is a real Jew, put out some gefilte fish, kishka, kreplach, schmaltz, schav, kugel, gribenes, tongue, p'tcha, mamaliga, maybe a bissel herring with cream sauce, some homentashen if it's that time of year, and see what happens. And please, if you're having a fancy party and putting out a big spread, do everyone a favor and toss the nova and put out some belly lox--what is this, a country club?