Friday, April 14, 2017

New for Spring: Fat Pants

A recent study by a group of scientists working in tandem at five top universities for the last seven years has just been released, the results of which are sure to shake up the snack food industry. According to a spokesman representing teams at the University of Virginia, Stanford University, New York University, Harvard and Yale University, 79% of all cancers are caused by consumption of the following foods: Fritos, Oreos, Cheez-Its, Potato Chips and Caramel Corn. Additionally, almost 90% (87.43%) of all heart disease is caused by consumption of Ben & Jerry's ice cream, specifically the Cherry Garcia, Chunky Monkey, Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough and Phish Food flavors.

Reading this in the Journal of American Snack Foods the other day, I breathed a sigh of relief as I have not eaten any of the foods on the list in decades, increasing my hope that I will die of something quick and painless, like being hit by a car, passing out during a plane crash or getting incinerated in a terrorist bombing. Still, the report indicates a serious threat to the millions of people who do eat those foods, and the related businesses that bank on more and more morbidly obese customers for their very existence and gargantuan profits.

One of those is QVC, the home shopping network that specializes in stretchy clothing designed to hide the ever-increasing girth of its sedentary fan base. When asked by a Journal reporter if he worried that his target audience might start to shrink, the network's CEO and President, Michael A. George (a.k.a. "Mike"), replied, "Not at all; we're ready for any eventuality. If we can't sell the stuff as clothing for fat women, we'll just make some minor tweaks and re-purpose it all as tablecloths and draperies. We're not worried."

Designer Isaac Mizrahi, whose popular line of so-called "shapewear" shmattas are showcased on Monday nights on QVC, echoed his sentiments: "Elastic waistbands will always be in style because it's always Snack Time in America. Plus, according to our own independent survey, nine out of ten American women would choose eating their favorite junk foods and dying younger than living longer without pigging out." And based on Mizrahi's own increasing waistline, he's living the dream.

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