Tuesday, July 5, 2016

The Foolproof World News Diet

It's easy: You simply lose your appetite!
Finally, a diet that works. It's easy, with no weighing, measuring or special eating plans, no need to keep food diaries or attend weekly meetings. No diet pills or drinks, no stomach stapling or surgery. The Foolproof World News Diet (FWND) works like magic! Simply prepare your meals as usual, then sit down at the table with today's paper open to the news section and begin eating. Sure, you'll take few bites at the start, but the cumulative effect of worldwide carnage and destruction is guaranteed to kill your appetite, saving you thousands of calories each week when done properly at every meal.

In the example shown at right, my perusal of this morning's Wall Street Journal caused half my breakfast to remain uneaten. Starting with two strawberries, two dried prunes and an English muffin with almond butter (385 calories), I became nauseated by the time I reached the photo at the bottom of the page showing the gleeful murderers cradling their rifles and sporting their tablecloth hats, thus leaving approximately 175 calories on the table.

Completely free (except for the cost of the newspapers), the revolutionary FWND works with any major metropolitan daily and all types of foods! In fact, if it doesn't help you drop ten pounds in a month then my name isn't Marie Osmond.

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